I have turned into the worlds biggest cry baby. But over really dumb stuff. Not over important stuff like hugging my family goodbye knowing it will probably be a year before I see them again. Stuff like :
At Kennecott (Copper mine in utah) I started crying seeing a framed certificate from the 2002 Olympics thanking Kennecott for donating Bronze, Silver, and Gold for the medals.
Also at Kennecott I had to wipe away tears when they showed a man planting a seed in old mining dirt.
At the airport I started tearing up when a man moved his suitcase out of the way so that Kate could walk by.
Oh and today I started crying seeing a picture of my friend on facebook who I babysit for.
When I used my Magic Bullet today I started crying because it reminded me of a funny story my friend Sheryl told me. I mean usually when I remember a funny story I laugh so something must be up.
What really made me realize I’m a weirdo is when I started crying when I watched a Abs Circle Pro and the lady pointed at the camera right at me!! and said “You can do it” and I was like “BAWL! I CAN DO IT!”
I’m going to get started on my Emmalee story again. Ha ha to the thought before I left that I could totally keep working on it while I was gone…
love you! miss you! love you love you love you!!!!!
Tonight I watched the Blind Side with Lisa. It was a great movie. If you haven’t seen it do. If you have, you know what I’m talking about. (My inner voice right now sounds so much like Sandra Bullocks character that is frightening me :)
Well while I was watching it… laughing, smiling, and crying I just missed Chad so much that it hurt. Yes its been 5 weeks since I’ve seen him and I tell you what I will never go that long with out seeing him again. Its funny how when you put a little distance between the people who you really love it just makes you want to work that much harder to keep them with you always.
At the very end of the movie it was very touching and of course I started crying. Even though Chad wasn’t sitting next to me I instinctively checked to my left as if to catch him crying. I guess I shouldn’t say crying :) but I know that if he was there with me his eyes would be teary just like mine and we’d probably smile at each other and he’d put his arms around me and we’d both sniffle a little. Chad’s a good guy. He always has been and always will be. I knew from the first time I met him that he loved me. Way back in 2000 when I was just some 18 year old girl who walked to UVSC every day, took a bus to SLC to babysit, so loud and goofy that I scared most of the boys away.
A really great quality about Chad is that he never ever makes anyone feel dumb or put down. On our “first date” I got really nervous. We had gone night fishing with our roommates/friends and Chad and I were sitting on this bank and he threw a line out with one of those floater balls… you know half red/half white. Well being my nervous self I yell out “POKEMON I CHOOSE YOU” and it was so quiet which made my yell seem that much louder and I looked over at Chad and he just started laughing. And it was the first time that I had been around a guy I was interested in that I felt safe. I could be me.
Chad is my cheerleader. When I’m having a bad day I turn to him. This past year has been really rough on me emotionally. I have dealt with some hard things with some friendships that have caused some heart ache. I would be laying in bed all curled up and crying and Chad would just hug me and tell me it would be okay and listen to all I had to say. I asked him one night “Why is this so hard?” and he said “Because you are growing up.”
When I’m being a goof ball and lip singing in the mirror or dancing around like I’m in a rap video Chad just stands back and lets me be me. I try to get him to join in but its true white boys can’t dance. One time I put some ear phones in and was recording myself sing Jewel music just thinking I sounded so good. For about 3 hrs one night I sang one song over and over and over. When I was done I started listening to it. I SOUNDED AWFUL! I was literally cringing and so embarrassed because Chad was in the next room the whole time. I went in and said “Honey Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you stop me! I sounded awful!” He just grabbed me around my waist and smiled and said “I thought it sounded great!” and even if he didn’t totally mean it… that didn’t matter… because he made me feel loved. And thats what matters.
This past week I met with some writers here in Utah. It was really fun and inspired me to keep going. As soon as I left the restaurant I called Chad. “Honey I think I can do it. I really think I can.” “Okay what do I need to do? Do you want me to go build a new computer for you to write on??” (My laptop is a real dinosaur) I love that I can share my dreams with Chad, and that he never wants to destroy them even in the slightest degree.
Well now I’ve gone all sappy on you. But I guess its because I really miss my husband. As much as I love being home its not as fun when he’s not with me.
had a little time to write… its still in there :) got a little out but now I have run out of time.
Loving this song though. It helped me write what emmalee was going through on trying to return home.
So our last dream team package’s theme was “Something home made” I had Sheryl and made her some shabby chic jewelery frames. They were all different sizes and painted blue and sanded just so. They had little hooks and wires on them to hang necklaces, earrings and bracelets. I loved them so much that I made some for me too. I got my inspiration from these jewelry frames @ {Pottery Barn}.
I got my package from Michelle last week but my lame A camera phone just barely sent me the pics after 4 or 5 days of floating around in space. I wonder if while they were out there they got zapped to some other persons phone as they bee bopped around. Like some guy in Iran just got a picture message and he was like “oooh what is this Michellescookies.jpg pic message i just received???” Sorry guy in Iran :)
See there that’s Michelle! Hi MICHELLE! can you believe we get to see each other next week! Okay so Michelle might be wondering why I have a picture of her family on my computer but when I had michelle’s name the first dream package swap I went through her whole blog saving pictures to my computer to use for a gift idea. But now I don’t remember what the idea was… :) But I do have like 300 pictures of her and her family saved in my computer!
So Michelle made me the cutest bag and the best thing is that I’m obsessed with big bags that I can drop things into. I’m not a bag with pockets type of girl. Also see that necklace that I’m wearing (I wish there was a better picture of it but that pic never made its way to my email although I sent it about 20 x.) She made that for me to and I love it. I never wear necklaces because I only own one and its in a tangled heap in my makeup drawer covered in toothpaste. Also the thing that made me literally burst into tears and laughter is the tin of Smart Cookies that she sent. I love my michelle. I love my dream team. They truly make my life so happy!
While Francine was laying in her bed and Emmalee curled up in hers, Clark entered the scene coming in from the garage. The moment he had walked in the door he knew something was off. The house was unbelievably dark and unfriendly. Upstairs he could hear the boys were still up. Not whispering and talking themselves to sleep in the room they shared. Clark could hear them yelling and laughing with play. Clark looked down at his watch 9:26, set his briefcase down on the table, and then removed his suit jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. The smell of cigar smoke clung to it, thick and bloody. Clark would have taken his shirt off to, to get away from the smell but he would have to go up to his room and right now Clark knew that wasn’t the choice to make. He missed his old firm where the only smell coming from his jackets was a slight mixture of paper, coffee, and the occasional steak dinner with a client. Not that he didn’t mind the new company. The attorney’s he would work with seemed like great gentleman but he knew that to them he would always be the odd man out, it had already begun seeping out that he was Francine’s husband, which meant of course he was their bosses son in law. So that night after an already long day, when the guys invited him for an after work drink and congratulatory cigar Clark said yes to the drink but no thanks to cigar and walked with them down the street to the corner bar.
During the walk while the other men were discussing company matters Clark thought about how much he wanted to go home. He would have to put in at least an hour with these guys to be polite, then with the 30 min drive home, that would put him way past the time the kids went to bed and he would only be able to go check on them, tuck their blankets back around them, kiss their heads. Clark had wanted to see how Emily’s first day had gone. He wanted to have been able to get down on the floor and play Lego’s with the boys. That was the first thing they unpacked, pieces were scattered all over their room so now he’d have to be careful when he entered. And he wanted to hug Francine. He missed her on days like this. When things were big and exciting. He couldn’t wait to hold her and whisper all the conversations, the description of his office, the lunch meeting with the board upstairs, the drink and cigar boys club. Which is why he accepted the offer even when he would have rather gone home. Most woman would have hated that her husband chose to go out instead of coming home. But with Francine it would mean that Clark was important and Clark wanted to feel that way, not to them but to her.
Now he wasn’t for sure what to do. Francine was upset and probably laying down. Hopefully asleep. But probably not. First he would go check on Emily and make sure she was settled for the night. Then go take care of the boys, take them to the bathroom, and tuck them in. Last he would go into their room and see Francine. Clark would make his next actions based on the situation he found and that as far as his mind decided to go.
Emily’s door was closed and no light came from underneath so she must be asleep. Clark opened and entered and saw her small form underneath the covers. He walked over to her side and looking down saw that Ellie was clutched in her hands. Clark bent over and kissed her smooth cheek. Sometimes looking at his sleeping children he wish he could lock that image away in his head forever. Not the image of them just sleeping, but that exact moment, that night, those pj’s, that flutter of the eyelashes, that breath. When he held Emily for the first time Clark promised himself he would never ever forget what she looked like in that moment, but he did because then the next day when he was holding her and she lay asleep in his arms he would make the same promise again thinking he was adding it to the promise yesterday, not knowing that each time was just rewriting over the last. Over the years Clark promised himself never to forget many many times with each child. It wasn’t his fault that he did but it did make him sad that sometimes moments and memories don’t last forever.
Clark smoothed Emily’s blanket around her shoulder - which if he had seen underneath that Emily was still wearing her school uniform it would have broken the spell and instead of him in awe of his beautiful child, he would have been heart broken and angry, at Francine, at himself, that Emily was not being taken care of- but he didn’t so he backed out of the room, closed the door, and went next to the boys.
The boys were not twins although most people thought they were. While Emily took after Clark with her dark hair and dark features. The boys took after Francine. Blonde hair and the biggest blue eyes the world had ever seen. They did have names which were Adam and Scott. Adam was the older, Scott a year younger. But most of their life they were referred simply as “the boys”
“Boys! Time to come and eat!”
“Boooys? Its time to get ready for school!”
“Dad! The boys destroyed my barbie!”
They were seldom apart. When they were babies Adam 2, Scott 1, they slept in the same crib. They had 2 cribs but when Adam figured out how to climb out of his he would toddle his way over to Scott’s and climb in to sleep every night. One night there was big thud and then crying and when Clark went running to their room Adam was on the floor and so Clark scooped him up and tried to shush and rock him but Adam kept screaming and crying, then Scott woke up screaming and crying, and Clark didn’t know what to do. Adam’s chubby arms were reaching out to Scott and Scott’s were reaching out to Adam so Clark walked over, placed Adam into Scott’s crib and they both stopped crying and laid down. Heads opposite of each other, their pajammed feet kicking at each others feet, they settled down and went to sleep. After that Adam was never put in his own crib again.
“Boys?” Clark poked his head into their room.
Their blonde heads lifted at the same time “Dad!” They rushed to him and hugged his legs.
“Hi boys! I’ve sure missed you!” He got down on his knees and hugged both of them. Clark must look like super dad right now. He isn’t. There has been many times he has yelled at them, gotten short, ignored the kids while he watched a game or read the paper. But all and all Clark was a good dad. And really that’s all his kids needed. Not perfect. Just good.
“Let’s hurry and get you boys in bed.” From their drawers he pulled out two sets of PJ’s, He-Man for Adam and He-Man for Scott. They both were obsessed with He-Man.
“We’re hungry.” Adam said for both of them.
“Did you eat dinner?” Adam shook his head no. Scott looked over at Adam and shook his head no too. Clark was annoyed with Francine. “Okay then. Adam you get your pj’s on and then help Scott. Both of you go to the bathroom then hop into bed. I’ll bring you something up. Okay?” They both nodded ok.
Downstairs, Clark looked through the cupboards. They were full of dishes since Francine had unpacked the kitchen yesterday but none were full of food since she hadn’t gone grocery shopping. Which upset Clark even more because he had called her at home right before his lunch meeting and said “Hi hon what are you doing?” And Francine answered “Just heading out to go shopping for things we need.” Clark assumed food was one of those things. He did find a loaf of bread and grabbed two slices. There was a little jar of grape jelly in the fridge that Emily had begged to be able to keep, that they had gotten with their room service breakfast at the hotel they had stayed at when the closing of the house had been delayed two days while funds were being cleared, Clark grabbed the jar and smeared jelly on each slice and folded them in two.
He tucked the boys in and gave them their jelly sandwiches, he left the door open and the hall light on and said good night. At the same time, the boys paused between bites, and said good night back.
Clark checked his watch, 9:43. He wanted to go to bed but he had a brief to look over and a memo to finish up. And he knew that if he took it into bed with him all he would do was fight with Francine and then he’d have to go downstairs and be up until 2 am trying to finish things up and then sleep on the couch. All of the sudden Clark felt very tired. Of everything and everyone. Of knowing that his future consisted of smelling like cigars and coming home to an unfriendly house. He was tired of Francine and how nothing was ever good enough. He did not feel 34 year old, unless those 34 years had in the past minute somehow doubled or tripled because his feet shuffled, and his back began to hunch over, as he made his way downstairs.
Emmalee frowned and tried to smile but tears welled up in her eyes, so she frowned again so they wouldn’t spill over. She could hear her mother stamp down the hall to her own room, shut the door and locked it, where she would probably collapse into bed and let Clark figure out what to do for dinner. Emmalee decided to do the same.
Crawling into bed she curled up as tiny as she could, burrowed her head under her pillow, in her hands she clutched a small blue stuffed elephant with pink floppy ears and a yellow tail. It was the only stuffed animal Emily was ever able to keep and only because her father had given it to her. That day Emily’s mom had taken the boys with her to do something. Emily wasn’t for sure what. And right as they left, with Emily staring out the front window of their old house a pang of jealousy in her tummy, watching their two little faces smashed up against the glass sticking their tongues out at her, in their ears their fingers wriggling back and forth, she could read their lips when they started singing “Nah nah nah na nah!” Her mom’s face steady and blank, Jackie O sunglasses covering her eyes, staring straight ahead as she backed the car out on the street, and then drove away.
“Hey Baby Girl!” Emily’s dad bounced down on the couch next to her. “Why you lookin so down?” He turned around so he was on his knees just like Emily and stared out the window catching a glimpse of bumper as it took a right off of their street. “Oh.”
“Hey! Lets get out of here. Lets go have an adventure! Just the two of us! Come on!” His voice burst into enthusiasm because if it didn’t burst you would be able to hear the hurt in his voice too and it would echo the exact hurt seen in Emily’s face.
Emily looked over at her dad and smiled. Clark smiled back. He put his arm around her shoulder, squeezed it just so, put his other around the front of her, clasped his hands and lifted Emily right off the couch and pretended to stagger from the weight - “What have you been eating at school? Rocks?” Emily giggled - “I need to start working out… or maybe eat some spinach…” down the hall they went until he delivered Emily safely to her bedroom. “Make sure you wear some tennies.” He ruffled her sleepy hair “Okay I’m going to get changed too and then I’ll try to figure out how to do your hair.”
Clark figured out Emily’s tangles with a spray bottle and a brush. When they walked out the door, hand in hand, her hair was still damp and the part crooked, she was wearing purple shorts, the ones with a monkey face on each back pocket, and a black t shirt with neon paint splatters. Clark said “You look beautiful Emily Ann Brown.” Emily tried to feel that way but the real feeling she felt was rebellion since her mother never let her where these clothes, let alone together, since they didn’t match. But she smiled and said “Thanks Dad”
Clark said he didn’t know where they were going. That was the adventure of it. So Emily said “Right” and Clark would turn right. Emily would say left and Clark would turn left. They drove and drove. About an hour out of town until the highway they were on slowed down with bumper to bumper traffic. “Uh oh. This doesn’t look good. Sorry Emily.”
But it was good because they kept following that line of cars until they came upon a clearing right off the highway that had been turned into some sort of carnival. It was a small carnival but it had all the right ingredients to make up a perfect adventure. There was a Ferris wheel, a mini roller coaster, a dunk booth, and a petting zoo with a curtained off area where if you paid 25 cents you could see a 5 legged goat. There was a alley full of fried things, Corn dogs, fries, Navajo tacos, and funnel cakes. Emily and Clark devoured a funnel cake even though Emily hadn’t want to eat it at first because it looked so pretty with all the powdered sugar on top. Like it was a fairy cake covered in snow.
The two of them spent hours walking around, playing skee ball, trying to squirt water in a clowns mouth until the balloon growing out of his head burst, and finally after paying $15 to a man that smelled of beer and sweat, Clark was finally able to make a basket that won Emily a stuffed animal. She could either choose a Bart Simpson doll or a blue elephant with pink ears. She chose the elephant, hugged it right to her heart, and named her Ellie.
Then it was time to go but as they left, they passed the balloon man. Floating in the dusky night was a bouquet of all the colors in the world. Emily looked up in awe that the man wasn’t floating away and then looked down at his feet to see if they were off the ground even a little.
“Would you like a balloon little lady?”
Emily looked up at her dad and he nodded his head yes she could get one.
While Emily was looking at all the colors there was an exchange of money, the kind of exchange that adults make in situations like this, at carnivals, county fairs, the kind of exchange that happens when a child is telling Santa what he wants at the mall, the Santa repeating back joyfully loud enough for the parent to hear what their child just whispered… so that children feel that life is magical. That if you saw a balloon man almost floating off the ground you could walk up to him and he’d give you a balloon and thank you for choosing one because it helped him from flying away.
“White please.”
“What? No Pink?”
“No. No Pink.” The balloon man smiled and said “Okay you got it” and tugged on the line that belonged to the white balloon and handed it to her. “Have a nice night”
On the ride home Emily fell asleep. She woke up in her bed, wearing purple shorts, her black t shirt with neon splatters, clutching Ellie in her hands. Emily felt uncomfortable inside but wasn’t for sure why. Then as she got up to use the bathroom she heard something. Her mom and dad were fighting. Emily couldn’t hear what they were saying but her mom’s voice was shrill at times and her dad’s was low and even. She could hear cupboards slam every now and then so they must be in the kitchen. The bathroom was down the hall and if her mom was standing any where near the fridge she’d see her. It was to risky so Emily would just have to wait.
Even though Emily couldn’t hear the fight its the reason why they moved cross country 6 months later so that Clark could make something of himself. So he could make Francine happy. So she wouldn’t yell when she found out that he “wasted” $15 on an ugly stuffed blue elephant that “probably cost less then 50 cents to make and made by a Chinese kid who probably was paid a penny!!!”
