Chad: Honey do you want me to pack the GPS?
me: Why would I need the GPS?
Chad: So you don’t get lost in Utah.
me: LOL (for a good couple of minutes)
I’m so happy to be home :)
In HS I dated this guy named Joe. I was madly in love with him. and also we worked at rival Pharmacies. He was on the westside @ Hiway Drug and I was on the eastside @ Eastgate. It was like romeo and juliet. One day while passing Hi-way Drug I noticed that they were advertising “T-SHIRTS for Sale” in huge red letters on their marquee. So I made my girlfriend pull over and I decided to pull a little prank. I grabbed the letter R from the word “Shirts” and ran to my friends car and we drove off. Then I gave the foot tall red letter “R” to Joe for a present.
i wonder how many old ladies stopped in that day for some “special tea” :)
The nurse passed her badge over the sensor next to the door. The door lock clicked open. She pushed against it, walked in and looked back at the girl to follow.
The girl didn’t have the energy to move. It had been already been taken when she had to sit herself up in the bed. Then she had to swing her legs over and put her feet on the floor. The floor was cold. It was painful to the touch. Her skin was so thin. Even the soles of her feet. But she did try to stand and then winced with the shock of coldness. The nurse noticed. “Honey I’m sorry. Here sit down. I’ll be right back” She came back carrying a package of light blue slipper socks. She ripped the plastic open with her teeth and then put each sock on delicately. The girl tried to stand again. The floor wasn’t cold. But the socks were painful. Each dot of tread pressed into her skin like a needle prick with every step.
Years later when the girl was a woman and was giving birth to her first child a nurse picked up a bare foot that was in a stirrup and tried to put those light blue slipper socks on her feet. In mid contraction the girl now woman yelled “GET THOSE OFF MY FEET” It startled the nurse. Who was probably use to laboring woman yelling, but not at her, and not about light blue slipper socks. The woman felt really bad for yelling. But she hated those socks. The nurse took them back off and threw them away.
The nurse and the girl shuffled down the hall together. The girl held onto the IV pole for balance. The nurse held on so she could push it along. The girl felt tired. She felt old. She had the urge to stand as straight as she could and unhunch her shoulders even just for a minute.
They stopped. They started again. They stopped. They started again. The nurse was very patient. Then the nurse arrived at the door. She pushed the door open and walked inside the room. The room looked like it belonged in a concentration camp. It was cold. Sterile. White but gray shadows were everywhere. Light but dark at the same time. There were no windows. A flourescent bulb glared light on the walls.
The girl couldn’t step forward. She put pressure against the IV pole but the wheels wouldn’t roll. The nurse kicked the doorstop down and came for her. The nurse pulled a little on the IV machine. It moved forward but the girl didn’t which cause her IV line to tug against her body. A burning sensation hit her chest and she stepped forward to relieve the tugging.
They stood in the room and the girl wanted to sit down. Needed to sit down. But there was no real place to do so. In front of her was tiled walls, below her was tiled floor, to her right were some hooks, to the left a long white bathtub. It was filling up with water but it looked too low and too narrow to be sat upon.
The nurse moved behind her and began untying the ties that held her gown closed. She pushed the gown over the girls shoulders and it slipped down the front of her arms. If you were standing there you would be able to see all of her ribs and her spine pushing against her thin skin. You could reach out and feel the bones, bumpy and sharp like it was a toddlers texture book and it would read in black letters “This 13 year old girl is 70 lbs!” And the next page would have a picture of a healthy 110 lb 13 year old with shiny hair. It would be a book of opposites.
The weight of the gown snagged the line and again there was pulling against the needle in her chest. She bent forward so the needle wouldn’t come out. “Oh honey I’m so sorry” The nurse reached her arms around her, the nurses chin dug into the back of the girls bald head and she grabbed at the gown. The nurse pulled the gown back around the girls shoulders and then swiftly undid the snaps on the right sleeve. Then carefully the nurse manuvered the gown off the left arm.
Her legs were badly bruised. Two days ago she had been taking a walk outside the hospital and had fallen. She had felt a little faint and tried to catch herself on a bench but didn’t quiet make it. When her head hit the cement (well half cement half edge of the grass) she laid there and threw up. Pink strawberry milk foamed from her mouth into the grass, into the dirt edge between the grass and cement, and the more it foamed the more it poured back onto her, into her ears, and down her neck.
The nurse pulled her underwear down her legs and the girl lifted one foot and then the other for the nurse. Then while the nurse was stooped down there she tapped one foot and took the slipper sock off and then tapped the other foot and took the other off. The tile was painfully cold.
The nurse leaned over to turn the water off. The girl pushed her pole towards the tub and the nurse stood up and took the girls elbow and the girl lifted her leg over the edge. The water was warm. Steamy. Clean. She felt relief and strength. She was able to smile at the nurse. The other leg went over and she slid her body down into the water.
The nurse unclicked her IV line. “I’ll be right back honey” The girl nodded and closed her eyes. All her pain seemed to float away.
Pain is a funny thing. It’s almost indescribable. It’s like trying to describe heartache. You can say “my heart hurts” because you can’t describe the time that you were at the grocery store late at night and the wheel of the cart is scraping against the floor and you feel so alone and then a song comes on over the loudspeakers and you stop right where you are and tears well up in your eyes and not only your heart hurts but your throat too. Like a little bone is stuck there and if only you could dig your finger down and hook it with your nail and pull it free. But you can’t so you stand there and cry standing next to juice boxes and fruit roll ups and a old man comes toward you and you make eye contact and he gives you a smile. So you smile back and then you understand that heartache is unavoidable. Which is exactly how pain is. Indescribable and unavoidable.
The girl stretches in the water. Warm and content. Her hip bones don’t feel the pain of the pressure of her body pressing into the mattress hour after hour. Her back muscles are beginning to loosen from being so tense from all the heaving and vomiting from the past 48 hours. Her arms are pinned down against her legs on each side and she moves her wrists back and forth like little flippers. Like she’s a mermaid.
Then just as suddenly as she feels relief, the heat of the water starts getting to her. The girl feels faint and her heart is beating too fast. She needs to get out of the bath. Her eyes open and she brings her elbows up on the edge of the bathtub to escape. She looks down and sees her chest. Her heart is beating against her skin. The water is red. She’s bleeding. She can feel her blood draining from her. Her head is in an instant headache. She feels like she can’t breathe. She’s dying. Her elbows slip back down and her arms go back down to her side.
She has never felt close to death before. She has never felt so much sadness. That’s all she’s feels. She doesn’t see anyone’s faces or remembers any memories. She just feels sad.
She stares up at the ceiling. Her eyes follow to where the ceiling meets the wall to her left the white tiles form a pattern of squares and gray grout trails. Then she notices a little silver cord with a plastic knob hanging on the end. It’s attached to a plastic plate with a red cross emblem. If she pulls the cord the nurse will come and see her dying.
She reaches her hand up and watches it move toward the cord. She tugs on the cord and the red cross lights up.
Then the girl leans her head back against the back wall and waits to die.
The door opens. Although the girl doesn’t open her eyes she knows that the nurse can see her little pale body immersed in the red water. She can tell its a terrifying site because the room is filled with the nurses gasp. Suddenly strong fingers are digging into the girls armpits and she’s being pulled out of the bathtub, water splashes over the edge onto the nurses white sneakers. Another nurse comes rushing in, fingers are digging into her armpits and now arms are around her stomach. They lift the girl into a standing position.
“She’s bleeding” “Where is it coming from” And almost instantly they recognize that the blood that is dripping all over their scrubs, all over their shoes, all over the white tile is coming from her line.
The small tubing that comes from her heart so that chemo can be administered without going through her arm veins, had a little clamp and the clamp had not been clicked shut when the nurse unhooked her IV. and because the clamp hadn’t been shut there was no pressure put against it which allowed the blood to pump out of her and into the water with every heart beat.
The nurse clamped the line shut and swore at herself. And the other nurse grabbed a towel and pulled it around the girl and carried her back to her room and the other nurse went and got warm blankets and piled them on the girl. And the girl felt very warm and went to sleep. And didn’t die.
the end
On Saturday we went to costco and Kate had to go potty so I took her to the restroom. As we were walking in Kate says to me in her little baby voice “No mom I said Girls bathroom”
me: “Kate we are in the girls bathroom”
kate: “No! See!” and she points to a woman washing her hands…
My friend and I were talking the other day that we are both nearing 30. And that since we are in our 20’s we should make the most out of it and do 30 awesome things that we’ve always wanted to do before we turn 30. I’ve come up with about 5 things so far.
I have a year and a half folks before I turn 30 and I need your help. First I need some suggestions of things that you think would be fun to do in your 20’s. Second you can dare me to do some things(and I’ll add them to my list). There’s about 100% chance that I’ll do them. I HATE turning down dares.
Our rules for completing 30 things is that we have to complete ALL of them before or on our 30th birthday. 2nd we have to prove that we did them through pictures, receipts, video. We haven’t figured out what the winner gets yet though. But I think that the loser has to eat shrimp or something equally disgusting.
So what should I do? and where should I start?
I know you guys make fun of me for listening to Delilah but if I didn’t how would I be able to hear really good old love songs that make me relive HS?
Okay and as an added bonus some genius put the song to a Dirty Dancing montage. sweet victory.
and as an added bonus… I can quote the entire Dirty Dancing movie. That one time I went on a date with that one kid who quoted George of the Jungle movie… even the monkey lines? do ya’ll remember that? I should have gone on a second date with him and made him watch Dirty Dancing with me. That would have taught him a thing or two about how to treat a lady. Like not putting someone in a corner and how to do a proper lift.
Kate is officially potty trained. It took like 3 days and I’m very proud of her. Kate is very very strong willed. Which is a nice way of saying 80% of the day she’s a big brat. Seriously she fights me on everything. If I’m getting her out of her car seat and she says “I can do it” I better just let her do it because if I pull her out she’ll freak out, then climb back up in her car seat, give me death glare and then climb out by herself. I also threw away all her baba’s yesterday and on Saturday we went to build a bear to let her make a bear that wore panties (is it just me but isn’t it the cutest thing in the world to see fuzzy little stuffed bear tail popping out of those little underwear?) but the second catch was that she had to put her binky in the bears back!!! That way it wasn’t that we were throwing it away or being mean to her… but that she got to keep her binky with her always and a new bear.
Kate was very good about it. she sucked on her binky one last time, shoved it in the bears back and the lady sewed it up and then Kate picked out hello kitty underwear, hello kitty slippers, and a pink tshirt. Dallen picked out a batman costume for his Buzz Light year bear he had made a couple of years ago.
So on the way home I heard Kate fussing in the back seat. I turn to see her scratching viciously at her bears back. She was trying to get the binky out and I said “Kate what are you doing?” She looked up at me with the saddest blue eyes and just burst into tears. I felt like a horrible mother. Every night she sleeps with her bear and every morning when I walk into her room I half expect to find a shredded pink teddy bear and a sleeping kate with binky in mouth. :)
On Saturday night chad and I went to my favorite mexican restaurant and then to see Star Trek and all i have to say about that is -
I want to join the Starfleet. Seriously.
oh and I also want to say
I love Spock.
lets just say I wouldn’t mind if Spock did a Vulcan Mind Meld on me.
Chad couldn’t understand why I preferred Spock over Kirk. and I guess why is because:
1) Kirk looked like he always had a dirty chin
2) and Kirk seemed like a player
and I guess I like men who are serious and logical and kiss their woman because they really really love them before they get beamed into a Romulan ship from the future where they might die and never see their true love again. just thinking about it makes me tear up
awwwwww :)
here’s some pictures that i put together for ya’ll. and since I couldn’t figure out how to post a song into my slideshow please humor me and start the miley cyrus vid right before viewing the pics. Its one of my favorite songs.
Wow its not often that I have three different categories for a post. But today is a lucky day. Or the “day of luck” as some say. Or you can even call it a lucky ducky day. Whatev :) You have your free agency.
You might be wondering… how in the world are you going to fit Cancer, Dating, and Personal Beautification into one story. its actually 3 different stories with one common theme. Victoria’s Secret. Victoria’s Secret to me is like my mother ship. My homeland. Mein Kampf. actually I think that means something else…. anyway I LOVE VICTORIAS SECRET! like major hard core. They have shoes, purses, makeup, lotion, swimsuits, bra’s, panee panees (to quote Kate) shirts dresses pants, coats, gloves, hats, sweats, robes, slippers, socks… DUDE I could go on all day. I LOVE YOU V.S. so so so much. and I’m not ashamed to say it.
So lets start off with a cancer story. It won’t make you cry. I promise. This story happened right around the time i first got diagnosed because I remember it being around valentines day. and why I remember it being around Valentines day is because some playroom volunteers brought us up to a big walk way that connected the UofU hospital to PCMC and let us paint the windows. I painted a BIG pink heart and inside of it I painted
I
Love
Paul, Philip, Mckay, and Rob
and underneath that I wrote
Shellie Long
Non Hodgkins Lymphoma
Paul was a new addition to the ”Boys that Shellie Loves” club. I didn’t really know him that well but he was in my ward. He was like 2 years older than me. But like right before I got admitted that week he wrote me a little card (Probably because his mom encouraged him to) and said something like “Get Better Soon” and included a year book picture. I took that card and ran with it.
“Get Better Soon” didn’t mean “Get Better Soon” it meant “I love you so much and I want to marry you and kiss you and go on long walks with you on the beach where you’ll be wearing a white sundress and I’ll be wearing some khaki shorts and at sunset I’ll pick you up and swing you around and then we’ll lay in the sand and kiss while the waves crash over us… of course shot all in Black and White film stock”
and the yearbook picture didn’t mean “Here’s a photo because my mom ordered the super duper A pkg from school and I have 42 wallet size pics to hand out” it meant “I will wait for you. Will you wait for me?”
YES I WILL! I WILL!
So that’s why I painted Paul that afternoon. Because thats what you do when you love someone. You proclaim it.
So I decided to write him back. :) get ready… wait for it… wait for it
I didn’t write back just a card, or a little letter. I made a booklet. A booklet of love. It was filled with poems, little doodles ” U R A QT” and pictures. But not pictures of me. But pictures I pretended like they were me. I clipped out pictures from a Victoria Secret magazine. Girls with shiny golden hair, girls with tanned torsos, and long long legs. and underneath I wrote “This is me going to the beach” or “This is me making breakfast in the morning” and ”This is me brushing my hair” I did this because he had confessed his love to me and sent me a token of his love. This was my way of reciprocating and strengthening our relationship.
this is me wearing mittens for when we go sledding for mutual!!!!!! U R SO CUTE!!!!
So after I got it finished when my mom was making a trip into town I asked if we could stop by Paul’s house so that I could give him something. I put my booklet of love into a big envelope and wrote in very sweet loopy big letters “Paul” So then we drove over and I put it in his mailbox. and we drove off.
and then I waited. and waited. and waited. and thought of our love, and our kids, and my wedding dress. and then waited and waited some more. and then I ran into Paul at church and he said “Hi” and then walked away fast. and I was crushed. I wanted to run up to him and tell him “I know I’m ugly and I don’t have any hair… I promise I’ll try to get a wig” There was only a couple of times I really really wanted a wig. That was one of those times.
Uh but now I get why he walked away fast :) I think the booklet was a little much.
WHAT WAS I THINKING! oh man I still cringe over it.
Victoria Secret Dating Story-
In college - aka my glory days- I dated this really awesome guy that I met through my cousin Jen when we went to a UVSC basketball game. He was tall, dark and handsome and really funny and nice. I can’t get enough of nice guys. We clicked. We were really good friends and really enjoyed hanging out. He also suffered from insomnia… well that’s what he told me… but I think it was so I felt bad for him so he could put the moves on me.
Well one day we went to the mall together and I asked if I could do some “personal” shopping and meet up with him later. I had to go to V.S. to get a new bra and panee panee’s. He was like okay. So we parted ways and made a plan to meet up in a half hour.
So I go into V.S. and look at all the fun underwear. Then the saleslady comes up to me and we talk over the different types of bras yada yada yada… so I get measured, try on some different ones… find one I like and then the saleslady talks me into buying this other nice set. So I get it and they wrap it up in tons of tissue and place it in a black and pink bag.
Then I meet up with boyfriend. He was like so what did you get?
I was like “Okay I’ll let you take a peek and that’s that” I pull a piece of tissue back and let him see a little flash of fabric….
he looks at me a little skeptical ”what’s that”
“my bra”
“its brown?”
“yeah… actually more beige… the saleslady said it was more practical”
“oh”
“yeah” poor guy. I mean if you are going to get a peek at a bra I’m sure “nude beigey grandma bra” isn’t on the top of your wish list. :)
So on to personal beautification :) This happened very recently. like 6 months ago. For my birthday I got my haircut at Toni and Guy at the North Point mall. It’s like super duper nice. and very edgy. and very chic. and very uber cool. and like I don’t really fit in. So I go in there with my mom sneakers, and my mom t shirt, and my mom jeans. and this girl who is going to cut my hair is wearing black high heels, and black tights, and black leather mini skirt, and black tank top, and her hair is like bleached blond and a little spiky. and she has tatoos that look like she’s wearing a long sleeved shirt.
So as we are sitting at her station with tons of people around us she says as she’s playing with my long brown dull hair.
“So honey what are we going to do?”
and I say very excitedly and a little loud.
“I don’t know… but basically I want Victoria Secret hair”
I swear the whole place went silent. like all the chit chat stopped, all the blow dryers stopped, all the snip snipping stopped. and everyone looked at me… took in my momness and tried very hard not to laugh.
“Okay lets see what we can do” she said very sweetly and understanding that I needed a little boost :) and she gave me an awesome hair cut! I love you Amy! and of course as always Victoria
