Something is wrong with me.

I have turned into the worlds biggest cry baby.  But over really dumb stuff.  Not over important stuff like hugging my family goodbye knowing it will probably be a year before I see them again. Stuff like :

• At Kennecott (Copper mine in utah) I started crying seeing a framed certificate from the 2002 Olympics thanking Kennecott for donating Bronze, Silver, and Gold for the medals. 
• Also at Kennecott I had to wipe away tears when they showed a man planting a seed in old mining dirt. 
• At the airport I started tearing up when a man moved his suitcase out of the way so that Kate could walk by.
• Oh and today I started crying seeing a picture of my friend on facebook who I babysit for.
• When I used my Magic Bullet today I started crying because it reminded me of a funny story my friend Sheryl told me.  I mean usually when I remember a funny story I laugh so something must be up.
• What really made me realize I’m a weirdo is when I started crying when I watched a Abs Circle Pro and the lady pointed at the camera right at me!! and said “You can do it” and I was like “BAWL!  I CAN DO IT!”

I’m going to get started on my Emmalee story again.  Ha ha to the thought before I left that I could totally keep working on it while I was gone…

love you! miss you! love you love you love you!!!!!

CRY!!!

Once Upon a Time…

There was a woman who was babysitting late at night and on the way home

had to go to Kroger to get milk and bread and lady shavers  (oh and hairspray)

as she walked up to the  Milk Cases a stereo speaker MOO’D at her

As the girl tried to grab the milk from the very back that had the better expiration date

the MOOing Continued… MOOOOOOO MOOOOOO MOOOOOOOO (It was very annoying)

Then a man walked up by the girl and said  “Looks like someone is racist!” 

The woman looked over to the man and thought “Huh???”

so the man said “The cow is moo ing at you… ya know”  and then smiles like he’s being so clever…
 

So then the woman hurries to the cash register and gets out of there (She was thinking what you’re probably thinking right now… SERIAL KILLER!!!)

Then out in the parking lot as she was putting her cart in the Cart Corral the man walks out and says

 ”That was funny about the cow moo being racist”

Okay so then I just simply smiled like I knew what he was talking about got in car and drove away (I’m switching back to first person now… its a weird feeling referring to yourself in 3rd person don’t you agree) 

I have tried for the life of me to try to figure out what that meant… we were both white so its not like the speaker was mooing at me and not him because I was white and he wasn’t… a milk cow is black and white so clearly it has its ebony and ivory issues all worked out… Seriously what in the world????

Hmmm… the greatest disservice I think I have ever done was not asking him what the H he was talking about! 

So a little while ago I got a ticket for going the speed limit coming around a corner and down a hill where it magically turned into a school zone and then 3 cops were standing there pulling over people like it was going out of style.  

So because I was in a school zone it made it that I was going 20 over the speed limit and it also doubled the fine.  I was mega mad.  The ticket was $390

$390  YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD DO WITH THAT MONEY! 

i could go to the dollar store and buy all lot of stuff is what i could do.  like big huge pencils the size of my arm and sponges.  stupid ticket.

So then I had to go to Court and HOW TERRIFYING IS THAT!

Because we all know what would happen when I walked in those doors. 

 First three huge men in shackles, orange jumpsuits, and spit masks on, who just got hauled off the paddy wagon would lunge at me and try to cut me with secret razor blades that they had made from a gum wrapper that some dumb dumb security guard dropped while he was busy chatting it up with his girlfriend  on one of those old black rotary dial phones. 

THEN I would scream and run down the marble tile and drop my leather briefcase and important legal documents would fly all over the floor and right as I’m bending down to pick up the last piece of paper a big important black shiny rich looking loafer would stamp right down on top of it and I would look up to see a man with slicked back black hair, wearing a very smug sneer on his too tanned face… and he would say

“You’re going down Kendrick”

and I would say

“Go to hell you evil County Prosecutor”

and he would laugh at me and I would grip the paper and pull harder and then the paper would rip into two which would make Evil County Prosecutor laugh even harder.

and then I would stand up, square my shoulders, and look at him right in the eye and raise one eyebrow… and he would stop laughing and fear would wash over his face for a moment.  And then he’d clear his throat and walk away.   No one can mess with the one raised eyebrow stare down.  It screams Feminine Confidence in a romantic comedy way like nothing else on the planet can. 

Okay so even though I knew this was what I was up against I still had to go to court. So I pull up in the parking lot and as I’m walking to the front of the court house I see a side door, next to it a sign that says

“For traffic tickets please go to the front entrance”

So I keep walking.  I get to the front entrance and walk up the steps and see another sign.

“No weapons beyond this point”

So I’m like okay.

As I get closer to the doors I can see through the glass a metal detector.

So I pull on one door and it won’t open.  Like its locked.  So I pull on it again.  And again.  Then pull on the other door.  Its locked to.  So then I pull on both doors and give them a good couple yanks to make sure they really are locked. 

As I’m going to town on the doors I see some movement and a Police Officer is coming towards me.  Oh good he can help me.  So I get big goofy grin and start waving at him through the door

like

“hiiiiiii! look how nice I am… I’m smiling…. I’m sweet…. I’m waving my hand like this back and forth so you’ll have pity on me and give me a lesser fine… oh and look how cute I am… I don’t even know how to open a door… whoopsie”

So police office McClanahan (don’t all stern looking police men have Irish last names) says

“What?”

“HI! I’m here for my traffic ticket!”

“That way!” he says.  But his eyes said “Why you little… I should slap some cuffs on you right now for being such a disrespectful citizen”  So I gulped and walked down the steps and saw another sign that said “Traffic tickets here” with an arrow pointing to a normal door. 

So as I’m walking up this ramp to go into normal business door I walk past 4 huge windows and as I look in I see that the room that I was just trying to get into was the actual court room.  And it was in session… and there was a judge, and police officers, and other people who were probably defendants and witnesses and bystanders and what have you.  And well I was looking at them and they were all looking at me.  All 40 sets of eyes were boring into me… I didn’t know if I should wave back at them and just seal the deal or do that one trick where you bend your knees and look like you are going down stairs when you’re really not.  It was a tough choice so I just walked faster instead. 

It was pretty embarrassing. 

here’s the set up of the court room

well that was that.   I have to say court rooms are not as a big deal as they make out on TV.  I was a little disappointed to say the least. 

quick story.  must type fast while I still have *energy*  (caffeine induced) 

so one sunday I wore a dress that I look a little lumpy in.  because i wore panty hose ( my legs weren’t shaved)  and plus panty hose makes at least half of me look tan.  So I put on my dress and the panty hose cut my tummy fat into two parts and make me have muffin top.  (gosh I hate being a woman sometimes) i mean really men don’t have to worry “is this 3 piece suit going to give me muffin top today?  or I have leg stubble I guess I’ll have to wear some gappy panty hose! ” 

anyway so I have this body suit spanxx type thing that makes me all sucked in (love it)  well it looks kinda like a one piece swimsuit except it snaps at the crotch… you know so if you are wearing it under a dress and need to go to the rest room you don’t have to strip down all the way.

So that night we get home from church and I slip off the dress and panty hose (but leave my shade shirt and body suit on ) and put on a pair of jammy pants.  Then when I got to bed I just collapsed into bed and went to sleep with everything on… jammy pants, body suit, bra, shirt.  lets just say it was pretty uncomfortable but i was at the point of pure exhaustion and couldn’t muster the energy to take anything off. 

Next morning I am doing reg stuff when I look outside to see the dry cleaning man walking around the neighborhood collecting dry cleaning bags.  and I was like “ah crap”  so I hurry into our closet, grab chad’s bag, and run down the stairs, down the driveway before the guy drives away.  So as I’m running and yelling “Heyyyyyy!”  and the guy turns and walks back to me… I feel something flapping around.  Still running… look down… oh great there’s my body suit all flapping around (its black by the way)  you know because when i woke up I went to the bathroom and I didn’t have the energy to snap it back together…  OR APPERENTLY the energy to take the .01 seconds to pull the elastic of my jammy pants over the flappy part!!!

So there it is with each step I take flapping around for the dry cleaning man to see.  Now its past the point of no return because we are close enough that if I stop to tuck it in he would see me, plus I’m running, and holding a bag full of shirts,  and this is a two hand tuck process.  So I just keep running down the driveway and pretend like its totally normal.   But as I get closer I can tell he’s staring right at my crotch.

So I slow down and I’m telling the guy how I would like the shirts and he was filling out his form and he’s making eye contact with me and then look down at my body suit… looking up at me… looking down….  It was so awkward.  anyway.  I walked back inside and called chad and told him.  I love chad… he always thinks the best about me even when the world would think other wise.  He was like “Honey I’m sure he was thinking “wow this is totally like Madonna.  he probably didn’t think it looked weird”  and i was like “ah thanks honey” 

but then I looked in the mirror and saw crazy hot mess - gross pony… cruddy eye makeup… ruddy complexion and realized it looked more like this to dry cleaning man

well minus the ak-47 deer rifle but add a black flappy bodysuit and thats pretty much what I look like in the morning.

:(

its sad cause its true.

**warning your eyes might bleed while reading this if you are related to me and / or male.** 

See this man

His name is John Stossel and he is my gynecologist.

So a little while ago I went in for my annual DTD (down there doc) visit.  And I was a little nervous because it was going to be the first male doctor who had seen my who ha.  Ever.  Both Dr’s that delivered my babies were women and that’s just the way I roll okay.  dang it this is sounding worse and worse the more I type isn’t it? 

Okay so the nurse escorts me in and gives me the paper robe and takes my vitals and says the dr will be there in just a moment. 

So then the next thing I know but who walks in my door?  JOHN FREAKING STOSSEL! I almost fell off the table.  Seriously if he wasn’t John Stossel than he was his IDENTICAL twin separated at birth because they looked exactly the same.  Especially the mustache. Especially the mustache!!

He introduced himself and we shook hands.  And I said nice to meet you. We were very courteous.   We talked about my past health and my current health.  Past: Cancer    Current:  Minor cold  *sniffle sniffle*

 okay so Here’s the weird thing  I know John Stossel isn’t Chris Hansen and this was Northside Hospital not some “person’s house where I was asked to bring a six pack of beer”  but I had the weirdest feeling in my tummy that any moment some boom mike and hidden camera were SUDDENLY going to drop from the ceiling and THEN there would be cops waiting for me right outside the door Ala “to catch a predator” style!!! 

Anyway before I wigged out and tried to make a run for the door I realized that the weird feeling was just nerves because well you know…

(insert elevator music)

okay all said and done. 

no big deal. 

so then *sniffle sniffle*  Dr. Stossel walks over to the cabinet sink area fills out his chart and makes small talk.  *sniffle sniffle*  I answer.  

So he turns to me hands me a tissue (awww how nice… you know because I have this cold… I really like my dr!  He CARES about me!!!) 

So I take the tissue, smile my thanks,  and blow my nose.  and then smiled again… you know to show my gratitude. 

Dr Stossel gets weird bemused look on his face

“That wasn’t for your uh nose.”

“huh?”  I am so confused.

and he looks at me like:

“you are so dumb to not realize that when a gyno Dr. hands you a tissue that its to be used for your lady bidness”  

and then I turned bright red and felt like my usual dorky self and now oh gosh what do I do with the tissue.  I mean do I give it back to him and get a new one.  Do I crumple it up in my hand and pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about… What tissue?? you didn’t give me a tissue??   Should I hide  it behind my back?  Sit on it??  Do I eat it? Ahhhh!!! I should have run when I had the chance!!! even if it meant I would be tackled by two swat team members as I tried to scramble up a fence. 

anyway so he left… I got dressed… and canceled my next appointment.  Its really not because of the whole tissue incident either  but mostly because I can’t go back to a DTD that looks exactly like this…

can you blame me?

Fact:  Georgia has a TON of critters… possums, rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, rabid dogs and feral cats.

Fact:  All those darn critters love to cross any road that I take to go anywhere.

Fact:  About 20 of them are squashed on the stretch of  road from my house to Hwy 9 about 3 miles down the way.

Road kill is gross.  One time when we first moved here a Possum had gotten hit right next to Chad’s work (we moved here in June 2007) and since it was summer the heat made it blow up like a balloon.  Every time I passed it I hoped it wouldn’t roll by my tire and explode on impact and then Possum Dead Gas would puff all over my car and we would all suffocate and die.  Thank goodness I wasn’t there when it did pop, oh and it did,because the next time we drove by it looked like a deflated balloon… and the little tongue was all flappy flappy.  sick. 

There is so much road kill that Chad and I have invented two games to play while we are out driving.  Okay I invented them and I make Chad play them with me.  First is we make a slap bet on how many road kill is between point a (usually our home) to point b (our destination)  Like Chad will say 7.  and I will say 9.  and whoever comes closest without going over wins and gets to slap the other person as hard as they want. 

Second is one that is prolly the funnest game in the world that has ever been played.  Even better than that quidditch game in Harry Potter. 

So as you pass road kill you imitate what they look like.  So usually I put my hands up under my chin, squeeze my eyes real tight roll my head to the side and stick out my tongue.  But I really try to be authentic in my imitating because really its truly a beautiful art form.  So if the rodent looks like they got run over on their spine and both their arms are out stretched I’ll do that… if they are curled up and have a sad face… I’ll do that.  Seriously try it.  I can always guarantee on making chad laugh when I do this.  and myself.  I just reenacted my last road kill imitation and I just made myself laugh while typing this. 

On that note its very important that: You have to have at least two people in the car.   It is fun to play if you are alone but if a passing car saw you they might call 911 because they might think you are having a seizure or other brain altering episode. 

I know this because one time I was driving to go babysitting and I saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road and so I curled my paws up scrunched my eyes and looked all dead and I thought it was pretty funny so I kept doing it over and over at the stop light at Post Road and Hiway 9 and since its a one lane road I wasn’t worried about anyone looking at me well I kinda forgot that the people turning left onto Post could see me pretty well, so basically they saw some lady who would laugh, curl up her hands to her face, stick her tongue out of the side of her mouth, with eyes all going crazy, and then freeze in that state… laugh and start all over again.  I only did it twice guys.  I got it out of my system after the second dead face.  So then I pull myself together, wipe some tears away from laughing, and looked over two see some dude in a blue chevy cobalt looking at me with a half worried “should I call 911″ half freaked the hell out ”should I call the mental hospital” look on his face.

Well neither happened because the light turned green and I drove off with my face pretty darn red.  So thats why I say its better to have at least two people. 

Now the story doesn’t end there because last night as I was driving home (from babysitting)  I saw a white baby rabbit get killed by a white pickup truck right in front of me!!!!

I litterally screamed “NOOOOOOOO!” and then I got the shivers.  I felt so bad.  and I couldn’t shaking my head or feeling the shivers over and over.  So I called chad.

“McKesson this is Chad”  (Uh honey I called the house phone and its after 11pm)

“Hi :( “

“Whats wrong?”

“I just saw a white bunny killed by a white pickup truck :( “

“Seriously honey i am so sad.  It gave me the shivers.”

“Oh I’m sorry”

“Thats okay… but I just know two things.  I don’t want to be like that bunny.  I don’t want to be going around my business like everything is fine and dandy and then all of the Sudden FEAR and then BAM i’m dead.  So that is why I don’t want to die in a car accident.  It’s my greatest fear.  Or being murdered.  Thats my other biggest fear.  I just want to die when I’m 98 and all old and stuff.  and you’ll be right there beside me holding my hand.  and we’ll be curled up in a little bed because I have alzheimer’s and so you stay at the nursing home with me.  and then we fall asleep spooning and holding hands… and die… together… and then a white swan takes off flying from a lake…..”

“Yeah honey that would be great”  (not really interested/or following me/ or something)

“Chad, thats the ending of The Notebook you were suppose to think thats funny”

“Oh okay… that was funny”

“errrr”

“I love you!”

“I love you too.”

“bye”

“bye”

:)  and those are my road kill stories.

the end. 

This story will be a first in a session of subsequent stories that are either  AWESOME/FUNNY/COOL/WEIRD/CRAZY   but that are not my own.   They are my friends stories that have been told to me over the years that I still laugh at or think about and I thought I’d share with you.  *with permission of course*

Today’s is entitled “Southern Sayings”  and told to me by my bestie who lives down the street from me here in Georgia.  Her name is Connie Baxter and she MEANS a whole lot to me.  She’s not only a GREAT friend but also like a sister and an aunt to my children.  My kate loves her more than me and always wants to have her  hair curled like “Miss Connie”  

So Connie’s mom and dad came to visit from Oregon for a week or two last year.  Connie’s mom is the epitome of a sweet LDS woman.  She’s a home baked bread, clean a house in 30 minutes flat, read a story book to a grandchild, and never say an unkind word about anyone, kind of woman. 

So one afternoon Connie’s mom goes with Mattie to school to help out in the classroom.  Since we live in the south a lot of our school teachers are well Southern… and that means there are a lot of southern traditions like saying “Yes Ma’m and No Ma’m”  and most of our teachers have southern accents…    and Mattie’s teacher is like SOUTHERN!  Like instead of saying “Push” she says “Mash” 

 for example

“Will someone mash that button?”  which was asking one of the kids to push the elevator up button. 

:) so cute!

So Connie’s mom comes home and is talking with Connie here’s their convo

Connie’s mom: Well I had a great time…  Its just that… well… I guess its okay to say some words to children here in the south. 

Connie:  What words?

Connie’s Mom:  You know that saying… You get what you get…

Connie:  Yeah I have no idea what you are talking about

Connie’s Mom:  You know “You get what you get and you don’t Bitch a Bit“ 

Connie:  Bursts into laughter

Connie:  No mom its you get what you get and you don’t PITCH a FIT 

Connie’s mom:  OHHHH! 

:)

oh goodness… its one of my favorite stories!

the other day at walmart I was shopping for a mop head.  while I was in the aisle comparing mop heads a man down the way was looking at scenty things… sprays, candles, plugins and such. 

he had long stringy gray hair, a black cotton jacket, a cane, and thick black rubbered soled shoes like one of his legs was shorter than the other… except both soles were thick soled so I guess that means that both of his legs were short??

so he turns to me and says “How do I find one that will make my house smell good”  and I walk over to try to help. and I was like “well to smell the different flavors you just scratch this dot”  and then showed him how to scratch and sniff the dot and smell all the lavendar goodness. 

so then!!!!  he smiles and me all creepy like and says “Thank you I really need to make my house smell good”  and so I was like thinking “oh shiza GET OUT OF HERE SHELLIE”  because in my head the alarm bells were going off like crazy

ohmagosh..ohmagosh..ohmagosh…ohmagosh..ohmagosh..ohmagosh…breathe breathe… HE’S a SERIAL Killer!!!! he has dead bodies in his house and he needs to cover up the smell!!!!

so as I’m walking away I realize that I HAVE to go back and look at him very closely so I can ID him when the cops come to my house!!!  So I go back and stare at him for like 30 seconds and then he made eye contact with me and I almost fainted.  so i left…

but you know what have been really freaky is if when I was passing the lotion aisle he was there looking at lotion.

you know  “it puts its lotion on its skin” 

eeeeeek not good.

here’s the online sketch I was able to make of the seriel killer I saw.  as you can see it was very traumatic for me to recreate this. 

except his hair was gray and a little more stringy and he was like 40 years older than this guy.  and he didn’t have a mustache.   other than that it was dead on. 

p.s.

ok this should be a no brainer… but I was thinking  all you have to do to catch a serial killer is to put bleach, mop heads, scenty things, rope,  duct tape, and lotion on one aisle and who ever comes to that aisle arrest all of them.  you are welcome police. 

Yesterday I went to a baptism of a kid in our ward.  (I’m in the Primary Presidency)  So I get the opportunity to speak in public when emotions are high and the spirit is strong.  I love that feeling.  I always try to make the best of it and say really important things. 

Like “The holy ghost will comfort you when you get sad.  Boys get sad too just like girls.  Okay actually girls get sadder… but the holy ghost will make you feel happy when you are sad okay?”

So at the baptism I had the pleasure of sitting next to Liz Jaggi.  I like to use Liz Jaggi’s full name so that when people google her they will find my blog.  It makes Liz Jaggi feel good. I think.  So L.J. gave me the church giggles.  I don’t know how she did it.  But I couldn’t stop laughing inside and Randy Rupp was talking about spiritual things and I was laughing so hard (inside) that tears streamed out from the corners of my eyes.  So anyway when all was said and done I went to walmart.

at walmart I bought a boat load of candy for a party.  I got up to the cash register and the guy who was the cashier started ringing up the candy and he looked at me and said real serious like

“Okay who’s A$$ do you want me to kick?” 

and I was like “Huh?” 

So he pointed at all the candy and said “Well with all this candy and you’ve been crying.” 

So I reach up and touch my eyes and look at my hands and yep all this mascara is all over my fingers. 

“Oh no… I was at a baptism and my friend was making me laugh really hard” 

Which sounded bad anyway.  Who laughs at a baptism?  Oh right.  Me. 

anyway I know that if someone ever does make me cry I now know who to hire to kick some bootay that would *hopefully* not trace back to me.  I could probably pay him in big league gum, a wolf tshirt, and a remote control car. 

I have no backbone when someone does something to me personally. Like if you ran up to me and yelled in my face that I was a fat lazy slaggy ho I would just burst into tears.

 But on the flip side if you wrong either a friend or family member of mine I can deliver a beat down in a nanosecond. And by beat down I mean A) a dirty look B) harsh words C) both or D) angry blog post

So the other day the kids and I were at McDonald’s so they could play at the playplace because it was so freaking cold (40degrees) (yes I have been acclimated to my new environment… if this was Utah we would be wearing shorts)

Anyway so in the playplace 4 big teenage boys were eating lunch. They were being pretty obnoxious and rude and loud and very annoying. But whatever boys are dumb so I just kept reading some old bills and a grocery list that I found in the bottom of my purse because I forgot to bring a book while the kids played.

Then after they threw away their lunch they ran to the play center and climbed up all in it and were yelling and screaming and shaking the whole thing as they ran around.

and I was like “oh no they didn’t!!!!”

because the sign clearly states the play center were for kids ages 3-12

and also they left their size giganto sneakers on

So I walked over to where I could see the 4 of them smashed together in a web tube and said

“Excuse me, you boys need to get out”

“Why?”

“Because it says ages 3-12 and you are way older then 12″

“We’re all 12!!!”

“Oh really you’re all 12?”

“Yeh” they all said (and they all said it in this mocking voice that was like “ha ha old lady you can’t do nothin to us”) (so then I had to go all crazy on them)

“Well if you’re all 12 then I guess I’m a millionaire and if I’m a millionaire then that corolla I drove up in is a freaking corvette. So GET OUT of the playplace because you are freaking huge and you’re scaring my kids!!!”

It was so so so rad. so very rad and I wish you had been there. I loved it. It wassooo fun. and I got a huge adrenaline rush.

So then they got out pretty fast because the one thing even rude teenage boys don’t have power against is the scary mom voice. Authority in its finest form :)

So then yesterday I drove to the grocery store to get some stuff for a dinner party ( I <3 Lily)  and the parking lot was full so I had to go to one of the very back spots to park.  As I parked I noticed about 5 teenage boys standing next to these 2 cars staring at something that was a couple of spaces over from mine.  So I looked and saw this huge box of bottled beer on the ground.  The box was kind of ripped open and some bottles were broken but you could tell that probably 3/4 of this box was still intact.  Probably some guy put it on his car? and forgot about it and drove off and it fell??? I don’t know… but I could tell what the boys were thinking… that they could go grab it and have some beer. 

So I was like “Hmmm not going to happen”  So I grabbed a cart and walked over to it pretty casually picked up the box and a little beer and glass went everywhere and placed it on the bottom of the cart and took it to the entrance of the store. and then got a employee to take care of it.   As I was walking I could feel them all giving me the death glare of pure hatred… but I was like hopefully this will teach them a lesson and make them realize that drinking is dumb and bad for you… and then hopefully they will realize they would have made a wrong choice and realizing that will make them feel the spirit, and feeling the spirit they will go to church, and then they will be saved.  JK  i know they didn’t think that.  They all thought I was a beeyotch. 

But their mom’s all silently thanked me.   

because what if they got drunk and got in an accident and killed someone… and what if I was like not my problem and just went into the store… then when I got to heaven it would have been all my fault. 

anyway i do what I can… but its a big big world. 

the end.