to be drunk dialed I think is like an awesome compliment.  but its just something I know will never happen to me… and I just kinda feel a little let down by that.

I’ve only had like 4 boyfriends and none of them drank or currently drink so my chances are like slim to none.

but lets just say my cell phone starts ringing

and I look down at my phone and there’s some weird number that I don’t recognize

and so I’m like

“hello?”

and I just hear some sad music playing in the background (I guess my fake exboyfriend was getting drunk listening to a Bryan Adams album)

and then I hear some breathing

“HELLO?”

“Hey Shellie”  all slurry and sad

“Brad??”

“Yeah… hey I just wanted to tell you i  think i’m still  in love with you and i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry sorry… Sorry… i’m just a little drunk right now…. ha ha ha…”

and then he’d start singing

“WHEN YOUUUUU LOOOOOVEEEE A WOOOOMAN!”

and I’d be all “Brad you’re an idiot”  and then simply hang up on him… and just shake my head in sadness.

So then he’d go into his bathroom to splash a little water on his face

and he’d be clutching the edges of his sink and staring at his reflection

and his knuckles would be all white

and then the chorus of the song would swell

and he’d raise his fist and SMASH it into the mirror and the glass would shatter in slow mo

then a shard of glass would fall on the floor and he’d pick it up and he would look at it and he would see…

my face.

lol

why do i feel like i just wrote an 80’s music video?

Wow its not often that I have three different categories for a post.  But today is a lucky day. Or the “day of luck” as some say.  Or you can even call it a lucky ducky day.  Whatev :)  You have your free agency. 

You might be wondering… how in the world are you going to fit Cancer, Dating, and Personal Beautification into one story.  its actually 3 different stories with one common theme.  Victoria’s Secret.  Victoria’s Secret to me is like my mother ship.  My homeland.  Mein Kampf.  actually I think that means something else….  anyway I LOVE VICTORIAS SECRET!  like major hard core.  They have shoes, purses, makeup, lotion, swimsuits, bra’s, panee panees (to quote Kate)  shirts dresses pants, coats, gloves, hats, sweats, robes, slippers, socks… DUDE I could go on all day.  I LOVE YOU V.S.  so so so much.  and I’m not ashamed to say it. 

So lets start off with a cancer story.  It won’t make you cry.  I promise.  This story happened right around the time i first got diagnosed because I remember it being around valentines day.  and why I remember it being around Valentines day is because some playroom volunteers brought us up to a big walk way that connected the UofU hospital to PCMC and let us paint the windows.  I painted a BIG pink heart and inside of it I painted

I

Love

Paul, Philip, Mckay, and Rob

and underneath that I wrote

Shellie Long

Non Hodgkins Lymphoma

Paul was a new addition to the ”Boys that Shellie Loves” club.   I didn’t really know him that well but he was in my ward.  He was like 2 years older than me.  But like right before I got admitted that week he wrote me a little card (Probably because his mom encouraged him to) and said something like “Get Better Soon”  and included a year book picture.  I took that card and ran with it. 

“Get Better Soon” didn’t mean “Get Better Soon”  it meant “I love you so much and I want to marry you and kiss you and go on long walks with you on the beach where you’ll be wearing a white sundress and I’ll be wearing some khaki shorts and at sunset I’ll pick you up and swing you around and then we’ll lay in the sand and kiss while the waves crash over us… of course shot all in Black and White film stock” 

and the yearbook picture didn’t mean “Here’s a photo because my mom ordered the super duper A pkg from school and I have 42 wallet size pics to hand out”  it meant “I will wait for you.  Will you wait for me?” 

YES I WILL!  I WILL!

So that’s why I painted Paul that afternoon.  Because thats what you do when you love someone.  You proclaim it.

So I decided to write him back.  :)  get ready… wait for it… wait for it

I didn’t write back just a card, or a little letter.  I made a booklet.  A booklet of love.  It was filled with poems, little doodles ” U R A QT”  and pictures.  But not pictures of me.  But pictures I pretended like they were me.  I clipped out pictures from a Victoria Secret magazine.  Girls with shiny golden hair, girls with tanned torsos,  and long long legs.  and underneath I wrote “This is me going to the beach” or  “This is me making breakfast in the morning” and ”This is me brushing my hair”  I did this because he had confessed his love to me and sent me a token of his love.  This was my way of reciprocating and strengthening our relationship. 

this is me wearing mittens for when we go sledding for mutual!!!!!! U R SO CUTE!!!!

So after I got it finished when my mom was making a trip into town I asked if we could stop by Paul’s house so that I could give him something.  I put my booklet of love into a big envelope and wrote in very sweet loopy big letters “Paul”   So then we drove over and I put it in his mailbox.  and we drove off.

 and then I waited.  and waited.  and waited.  and thought of our love, and our kids, and my wedding dress.  and then waited and waited some more.  and then I ran into Paul at church and he said “Hi” and then walked away fast.  and I was crushed.   I wanted to run up to him and tell him “I know I’m ugly and I don’t have any hair… I promise I’ll try to get a wig”  There was only a couple of times I really really wanted a wig.  That was one of those times. 

Uh but now I get why he walked away fast :)  I think the booklet was a little much. 

WHAT WAS I THINKING!  oh man I still cringe over it. 

Victoria Secret Dating Story-

  In college - aka my glory days- I dated this really awesome guy that I met through my cousin Jen when we went to a UVSC basketball game.  He was tall, dark and handsome and really funny and nice.  I can’t get enough of nice guys.  We clicked.  We were really good friends and really enjoyed hanging out.  He also suffered from insomnia… well that’s what he told me… but I think it was so I felt bad for him so he could put the moves on me. 

Well one day we went to the mall together and I asked if I could do some “personal” shopping and meet up with him later.  I had to go to V.S. to get a new bra and panee panee’s.   He was like okay.  So we parted ways and made a plan to meet up in a half hour. 

So I go into V.S.  and look at all the fun underwear.  Then the saleslady comes up to me and we talk over the different types of bras yada yada yada… so I get measured, try on some different ones… find one I like and then the saleslady talks me into buying this other nice set.  So I get it and they wrap it up in tons of tissue and place it in a black and pink bag. 

Then I meet up with boyfriend.  He was like so what did you get? 

I was like “Okay I’ll let you take a peek and that’s that” I pull a piece of tissue back and let him see a little flash of fabric…. 

he looks at me a little skeptical ”what’s that”

“my bra”

“its brown?”

“yeah… actually more beige… the saleslady said it was more practical” 

“oh”

“yeah”  poor guy.  I mean if you are going to get a peek at a bra I’m sure “nude beigey grandma bra”  isn’t on the top of your wish list.  :) 

So on to personal beautification :)  This happened very recently.  like 6 months ago.  For my birthday I got my haircut at Toni and Guy at the North Point mall.  It’s like super duper nice.  and very edgy.  and very chic.  and very uber cool.  and like I don’t really fit in.  So I go in there with my mom sneakers, and my mom t shirt, and my mom jeans.  and this girl who is going to cut my hair is wearing black high heels, and black tights, and black leather mini skirt, and black tank top, and her hair is like bleached blond and a little spiky.  and she has tatoos that look like she’s wearing a long sleeved shirt. 

So as we are sitting at her station with tons of people around us she says as she’s playing with my long brown dull hair.

“So honey what are we going to do?”

and I say very excitedly and a little loud.

“I don’t know… but basically I want Victoria Secret hair” 

I swear the whole place went silent.  like all the chit chat stopped, all the blow dryers stopped, all the snip snipping stopped.  and everyone looked at me… took in my momness and tried very hard not to laugh.

“Okay lets see what we can do” she said very sweetly and understanding that I needed a little boost :)  and she gave me an awesome hair cut!  I love you Amy! and of course as always Victoria

So the other night for Kristan Lowe’s birthday party we went and got pedicures and then to Lazette’s to eat food and talk, have a pillow fight, and dance around in cute underwear and bra’s. 

So as we were talking (er… I mean as we were all jumping on the bed in slow mo) the subject of how our husband’s proposed came up.

As you well know, being faithful readers of this blog, that Chad proposed to me with a quarter with a hole drilled in it.  But what you don’t know that he took me to Rock Canyon Park.  Now as I was telling everyone this, I explained that why he took me to Rock Canyon Park was because it was the scene of many “DTR’s” for us and the occasional “NCMO’s” when we wanted to get away from the watchful eye of roommates. 

Some of  the girls looked at me like “Huh?” “What the heck is DTR… and… NCMO”  and I was like thinking… “Huh?  Come on… I mean we’re all Mormon right?”  but then I realized something…you know how the say “the LDS church is the same everywhere in the world”  that does not cover dating slang. 

So I’d now like to educate ya’ll on some Utah Mormon Dating Terms

First you have

NCMO -  Non Committal Make Out  (pronounced NickMo)

You and your partner make out… sometimes for a night… sometimes over a period of a couple of days.  But both parties know there is no long term commitment. 

Which commitment in Utah County consists of at least

• one going out to dinner (Applebee’s or The Pizza Factory),
• a Jamba Juice excursion, and
• maybe going bowling. 

For NCMO you need none of that fancy schmancy stuff -  its making out in it’s purest form.   There are a couple of pre approved NCMO locations.  Squaw Peak, Rock Canyon Park, Alley behind Club Omni, either participants apartment -whichever one has no roommates at home. 

 How does one participate in NCMO… do you just go up to someone and say “wanna make out?”

These are just some examples that I made up for educational purposes.

If they are someone you know:

Say its this guy from your ward.  He’s really cute and he has really cute roommates.  Say you and your roommates go over to their apartment to hang out.  He might want to make out with someone.  So if he asks you to go check out his Book of Mormon on CD collection in his bedroom… this is akin to “hey wanna go make out?”  if you go to check out his BoM CD collection it might turn into a car ride up to squaw peak where you talk about his mission and other spiritual matters.  When you park at the top of squaw peak you might lean in to each other and make out for like an hour or two. 

If they are a complete stranger:

You might be at a UVSC dance where this hot security guard named Nate is checking you out while you dance and tells you that you remind him of Tiffani Amber Thiessen. 

 You then might give him your number and he might lend you his chap stick.  Using his chap stick might make him want to kiss you.  Which after several flirtatious checking with each other to see how the security guarding/dancing  is going, he might motion you to come over to a huge booming speaker where its kinda dark and he might kiss you for an entire Enrique Inglesias song. 

DTR - “Define the Relationship”

You go someplace, preferably after dark,  and sometimes after NCMO and talk about how you feel about each other and where you see things going.  Usually DTR is initiated, executed, and finished up with the girl doing 90% of the talking.  Things that are discussed are :  Do we make out to much,  (the smart guy always answers yes… and yes he feels bad too)  do we need to do more wholesome activities (the guy then discusses fun activities that he wants to plan for them… sledding and going to institute are huge ++++)  Do you see this going anywhere (Yes and then he might want interrupt you to play a Eagles song that reminds him of you to prove that he does see it going somewhere)  Now if you’ve got guts you might pull out the big guns

TEMPLE MARRIAGE

CHILDREN

Now this isn’t talked about in all DTR’s.  T.M. and Children are usually only brought out if you and your significant other have had at least 10 DTR’s.  Which is to say if you’ve had 10 DTR’s and your S.O. (significant other) is still coming around this might = true love and worth talking about which temple you’d get married in, how many children you’d want and what you want your dress to look like. 

I only initiated DTR’s with Chad… we would drive to Rock Canyon Park, sit on the grass overlooking the city, hold hands, and I would talk and talk about how much I liked him and did he see us being together, and did he feel bad that we made out so much.  Which he answered : He liked me too, he did see us being together, and no he did not feel bad that we kissed so much.  :)  Good thing.   Oh and DTR doesn’t end when you get married.  Right  honey? ;)

A couple months before I met Chad I bought my first car.  a 1996 white VW Jetta. It was very cute and I looked totally awesome driving around Orem with my roommates trying to flirt with guys.  I forgot the official term for this?  Shoot what is it called when you do that?

Well in Utah County if you were young and fun and had your own car and had $25 to blow, you got yourself a personalized license plate frame.  If you weren’t young and fun etc… your license plate frame read

“You Know This Guy!”

       455  GMO

“Larry H. Miller Toyota”

So one of the first things I did when I got my car was speed right over to University Mall and get my license plate frame.  I looked through tons of options like

“Yield to the Princess”

“What My Baby Wants - My Baby Gets”

“I’m Spoiled!” 

Finally I found the one I wanted

“Just waiting until my cowboy comes along”

For some reason I laughed so hard and thought it was sooo funny.  and at the same time… so true.  I mean I love cowboys.  Who doesn’t?

So anyway I drove around with that Freakin Rad frame for a couple of months.  but then I met Chad …

Chad drove a really nice Jeep Wrangler.  He didn’t have a license plate frame.  I thought it would not only be a nice suprise but a  way fun gift  to take my “Cowboy” frame off and put it on his Jeep late one night.

For about 3 days Chad got some weird looks from other drivers.  But he also got some winks too ;)  He had no idea that it was on there… I mean how many times do you walk around to the back of your car and check out your license plate.  Finally I was like “Ha ha ha… Go check out the back of your Jeep…ha ha ha”  Then we walked out to the Jeep and he was like “Huh?”  I seriously was peeing my pants because I thought it was so funny.  Then he went and got a screw driver and promptly took it off.

I guess that’s why a couple of months later he decided it would be really funny to propose to me with a quarter that had a hole drilled through the middle of it instead of a ring. 

“Shellie will you marry me”

opens box

I see something shiny in the box

I lean in closer to look at it

I get confused look on my face

That isn’t a ring

I look at him

I am thinking what the H?

He is smiling

Then he starts to laugh

I say

“Where’s the ring?”

He just laughs and laughs. and pulls out the quarter and gives it to me. 

punk :)

(he had the ring in the car… he just thought it would be really funny to see the confused/upset/bewildered/semi pissed off look on my face) 

Lesson learned early on our jokes/pranks are  usually only funny to the prankster not the prankee. 

Also Known As:

Shellie and Jesus: The Love Story

May  18, 2001

I know I shouldn’t be writing these kind of things.  I know I need to get over him.  Its stupid of me to think that we would ever have a shot.  What am I thinking? GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF SHELLIE! but… alas  I know what my heart thinks. and I think that’s all that matters. Right?  RIGHT??

I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him, and underneath his bushy black eyebrows one normal eye, and one wonkey eye looked back into mine.  It was like SOULpiercing.  Then he let out his sexy CALIENTE mexican laugh…. ahhhh ha ha ha ha.  and I melted right then and there.  Good thing he didn’t let out a wolf howl… swoon :)

So for the next couple of weeks we kept flirting back and forth.  Him chained to the hot stove cooking with all that Spanish Passion… Steak, Bacon Wrapped Steak, Shrimp, more Steak, Malibu Chicken, more steak…. and me peeking in through the service window the food lamps casting a warm glow on my face. 

Our eyes would meet.  Well my eyes and one of his.  and then I would coyishly look away fast.  and then back again.  and then away fast.  and then…WHOOPS! sorry Brooke didn’t see ya there… Ready to go sing to the grandma in the banquet room? okay lets go.  

Then slowly it built into something more…

“Una Papa por favor” I’d say through the window.

Jesus would then stagger back clutching his heart…

“sí! sí! mi corazón”

and then… not one potato  would appear, but TWO.  One for my customer… and is this one for me?  I’d gesture to myself, eyebrows raised in question.  Jesus would nod and then gesture again to his heart back to me.   Nothing says young love like a baked potato with… wait… whats this… not one scoop of butter but two???!!!

WOW!

So for a couple of weeks there was some major eye glancing, potato passing under that heat lamp.  It was so… so… I don’t even know how to say it in this language… so I’ll use his… Fantistico!  ahhhh :)

Then one day after a lunch rush I was busy clearing up a table when I saw Jesus walk in.  It was his day off and he had gotten spiffy. 

*He was wearing Really Tight Dark Blue Wranglers, Really Tight, and a button down Maroon Silk Shirt, and some pointy cowboy boots.  His hair. which had always been concealed under a hair net and Sizzler ball cap, had now been suddenly released and was really… uh… fluffy.

and then he walked over to me… and asked me to come sit with him.  So we sat in a booth and talked for a little bit.  Through his  maroon silk shirt I could see a gold cross laying against his bouncy chest hair…  he then asked me if I wanted to go with him to Mass with him on Sunday. 

“I can’t I have to work”  I said

“ai yi yi that’s too bad…” he said

We talked a little more and he helped me with some Spanish so I could communicate with the bussers. 

“Will you clear that table?”

Cuidado que está caliente

Then he had to leave and I went back into the service station I told my coworker that Jesus asked me on a date.

“Shellie, Jesus is married and has like 6 kids in Mexico”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.  I’m a dork”

So then the next time we worked together I said “Hey Jesus how’s your wife and kids doing?” LIKE “HUH Whats that… oh yes I did Find out!  and he just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.  LIKE “All the ladies want me… its not my fault chica” 

My heart felt broken.  So sad.  wah.

its time for me to move on.  get over him. get over him. get over him. I’ll need to write that 1,000 x plus in my notebook.  and I’ll never ever eat Shrimp again!

it was just a super desesperada Romantico anyway.

*this is when it hit me that “harmless flirting” can be harmful

So my Aunt Lisa called me one day cause she wanted to set me up with this guy in her ward. He was 34 and he lived at home with his mom.   (To clear my aunt… she had never met him… just was friends with his mom)

 I can’t remember his name but for the sake of the story we’ll call him Gary. 

The name Gary brings up a really good image right?  In fact do you know any Gary that is hot?  I don’t.  So if you can find a hot Gary then you’ve pulled off a major feat and the universe should give you whatever your little heart desires.

Why would I accept?  One reason and one reason alone.  Mark. 

Mark, who was 31, was as fine as sin and dating Holly (cousin/roommate)  He was tall, dark hair, amazing smile, and always had great clothes.  And he just had the charm that oozed out of him that just made you bite your knuckles to keep from screaming like a girl at a NKOTB concert. 

So when my Aunt Lisa called to see if I wanted to go out with this 34 year old guy that was in her ward.  That was the image I was going off of and I was like “Sure!”

So he called me and we set up a date and over the phone he had an awesome older man voice.  I was for sure that he was hot.  The plan for the date was to go up to Park City, eat dinner, and then go on the Alpine Slides and then head back.  I was like “Oh my gosh, a hot older guy wants to take me to Park City and take me to dinner!!!”  It sounded soooo soooo good. 

The day of I got ready and was watching out the window for him.  About the time he’s suppose to come pick me up I notice this old VW Rabbit pull up and I didn’t really think anything of it.  Then this old guy gets out and my eyes got big and my heart stopped beating.  Seriously I had to put my hand on my chest and almost fell over.  I started shaking my head back and forth…. no… please… No… then he started making his way towards my stairwell… oh my gosh I couldn’t breath.  It was him… I JUST KNEW IT. 

I sat down on my bed and I was like OH MY GOSH! 

Then there was a knock on my door and I went and got it.  I opened it up and there stood Gary.

He was wearing dark denim carpenter jean shorts, a big white old navy T shirt that was really old and faded looking, he had a little pot belly, and he was balding and his hair was turning gray, and he was wearing tube socks with his Birkenstocks.  and it wasn’t what he was wearing or how old he looked that made me feel grossed out, but he had that creepy look in his eye. 

Shellie you are making this up. 

SERIOUSLY! I PROMISE YOU ON A STACK OF DVD’S starring BRAD PITT that I’m telling you the TRUTH!

I was like
“hey”

and he was like

“Hi I’m Gary”

and I’m like

“Are you going to kill me?”

and he was like

“I am thinking about it”

and I’m like

“Are you going to take me to Park City first?”

and he was like

“yes”

So we went.  As I got into his car and we went for a magical ride.  It was magical because the floor board of his car was rusting away and I could see I-15 whizzing down below my feet and I thought any second now the floor will just give away and I’m going to be sucked down below and get run over by a semi truck.

So he talked the whole way up to Park City.  About what he did and why he was still single, and blah blah blah.  I blocked a lot of it out as I tried to think of ways to escape. 

Suddenly he swerved to the side and pulled up at this house that was in Heber. 

“Look Home made Beef Jerky” he pointed to a sign in the window.  He asked if I wanted any and I said no but he told me he loved beef jerky and he was going to get some.  So I sat in the car while he went and purchased the beef jerky.

He then kept trying to offer me some but I didn’t want any.  So he kept gnawing away at it as we continued up to PC.

When we got there we went to this Mexican restaurant and got lead to a booth.  I sat down first… and instead of sitting opposite of me he slid up next to me.  It was really weird and awful. 

I didn’t have much of an appetite but he did and he kept talking and eating and at one point he pointed over to a mounted bull’s head on the wall and said I want a tattoo of that on my chest.

and I was like really?  and he was like “yeah I want it right here (and waved his hand over his heart) and I want the nose to be right where my nipple is and then pierce my nipple with a gold ring so it looks like the ring is coming out of the bulls nose”

I told him that sounded great.  What else are you suppose to say in a situation like that?  When a creepy guy is 2 inches from your face and his leg is touching yours and you are only 19 years old!

So after dinner he wanted to do the Alpine slides but they were closed so we started driving back towards Orem and  on the way back he invites me to his mom’s house to watch movies.

I did Not want to do that and I had to come up with a good reason why not to. 

One of the many reasons why I thank my lucky stars for my job at Fairfield Inn.  I had Continental Breakfast duty the next morning which we had to be there at 5:30 am.

“Sorry Gary I’ll have to call it a night I have to wake up tomorrow at 5am” 

He stared at me for the longest time and I knew he thought I was making it up.

and he was like “Oh we don’t have to go watch a movie, we could just go to a park or something and talk”

There was no way in Jell that I was going to go to any park with him when it was dark outside and I was like “Sorry I’m just not feeling really well either… that’s why I didn’t eat anything”  So for the rest of the way I acted like I felt like throwing up.  I clutched my stomach a little and leaned my head against the window.

So he took me home and I told him not to walk me to the door because I felt like throwing up real bad.  Then I hauled A to my door and locked it fast and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  It was 8pm and I was still alive. 

The next morning I worried the whole time I was getting breakfast ready that he’d come in to check if I had been telling the truth.  I kept looking outside these windows that were right next to the breakfast area and I saw his VW Rabbit parked out there!!!

Okay it wasn’t, but I saw another car out there and I thought about how spooky that would be if it was his and it scared me so bad, so then I kept checking… and once I imagined his creepy face pressed up against the window staring at me and I got myself all scared again.  So then I went through all the scenarios what I would do if he was out there and how I would protect myself…  Like First I would hurl a carton of milk at him because I thought that would do a lot of damage, and then maybe some donuts, and then while he was trying to dodge those he would slip in the milk and fall down.  Then I would run over to him and kick him in his balls and SCREAM “NOOOOO!” and then pour hot coffee in his eyes!!!!  Then he would give up and put his hands in the air and be like “I’m SORRY! I’m SORRY!” and I’d be like “NOT YET You’re NOT!” Then I’d punch him in his chest and rip out his nipple ring and yell “Bullality”   at the top of my lungs

It was a serious situation but I think I handled it well.

 The End

You know I really shouldn’t be telling these kind of stories.

I think when I go to heaven (hopefully Celestial… I’m crossing my fingers, and my toes, and my eyes) Heavenly Father will zap me 100 times with lightening bolts for having this blog. But in that case I’ll just say one word and one word only… “Dooce.com” and he’ll say “Never Mind You’re Forgiven” and I’ll say “Thank you” and bow like a Chinese person.

So when I first went to college I was still on the geeky side. I had braces and a wee bit chubby. and wore scrunchies. that matched the colors in my outfit. Red Shirt… Red Scrunchy… Blue Shirt = Blue Scrunchy… Multi Colored Shirt = Multi Colored Scrunchy? No… 3 scrunchies in different colors!!!

Now remember I was 18 and very impressionable and innocent and sweet.

So I’m out on this date with this kid. I have no idea what his name was. But lets just call him Mega Geek. He was also 18. I think I met him at the computer lab at UVSC or maybe the Hall of Flags. Um seriously I cringe when I think of the Hall of Flags. I spent hours there trying to be loungy and look cool… scrunchies and all.

So Mega Geek and I went to a BYU game. and I was soooo embarrassed to be with him. That’s how geeky he was. It was like I know I’m a little dorky but I know at least I have potential. He on the other hand was like thisclose to having to get a mail order bride over the Internet.

Okay so after this BYU game we go to his grandma’s house for cookies and milk.

NOT KIDDING!!!! FOR REAL!!!

I KNOW!!!!

I know. That’s wrong on so many levels.

Then as we are eating our cookies and milk he tries to kiss me and I shot that down with a “uh uh mister” look cause he backed up real fast like…. Or maybe he saw big hunks of Oreo in my braces…

Either way we ended the date soon after that and he drove me home.

So where’s the part of the story that I shouldn’t be telling. The part where I should get zapped for?

Here it comes folks….

Uh remember when I said I’m a people pleaser and I’ll do anything anyone says to me?

Seriously its a good thing I got married when I did. I was probably 2 dares away from frenching a homeless man and then setting fire to a National Forest.

So our next date we go to Subway. So romantic. I probably had lettuce hanging out of my braces. But I probably had no clue so I bet the whole time I was trying to look all flirty and hot… as hot as I could with braces and a cold cut trio saying “hello everyone… nice to meetchya” everytime I smiled.

Then Mega Geek says to me

“Ever been to Squaw Peak?”

“No” I say batting my eyes and fishing a hunk of meat out with my little brace brush.

“Wanna go?” He says

“Sure”

So we go up to squaw peak. which for those who are unaware… its basically the biggest make out point in Utah. You take a twisty windy road that leads up to a magical and mystical look out point.

So we go and talk. we didn’t kiss though. and on our way back down he says.

“Ever play Freeze Out?”

“No. Whats Freeze Out?” I ask… seriously I had no clue.

(I still have no clue if this was even really a game. Or if this kid made it up. Either way I have to give him some major credit for having a goal in mind and having some major persistence.)

“Freeze Out is where you roll down the windows of your car, take off your shirts and see how long you can last before you chicken out and put your shirt back on.”

“Okay” I agree

I AM SUCH A DUMMY COW

So he rolls down the windows and we take our shirts off… er… I did… he said he couldn’t because he was driving.

But here’s the thing… he was probably expecting this cute little bra with hearts all over it or something. All young and cutesy.

but I was wearing a sports bra. A big thick one. and you couldn’t see anything. poor kid.

then he dropped me off at my condo and I never heard from him again. I wonder what he’s doing now? Probably designing sports bras.

I went on to my next date… a 34 year old man who lived with his mom.

No Joke!

Until next time.

*chinese bow*

Welcome back readers and lets continue where we last left our little story.   20 year old Shellie  just closed the door on a psycho who apparently (according to him)  is going to be her husband.

When I was telling Chad this little first date story he asked “And you kept dating him???”  and I said “yes” and he replied “You were so desperate”  and I gasped and slapped him.  what blasphemy!

Yeah I know it sounds simple now…  Like why did I ever talk to him again, let alone go out with him again, let alone write in my journal about how much I LOVED HIM.  But we all do stupid things right?  And I’m not the first girl who’s gone out with someone who is a complete retard.  Look at Paris Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, and Mischa Barton… they all dated Cisco Adler and we all know  how stupid he is.

Also in my defense its ENGRAINED in me to be a people pleaser.  I was the baby of the family, I’m a Sagittarius, and I had cancer when I was a kid.  (my new years resolution to use my cancer card when I can)   (Use it or you lose it I always say)

Everyone knows that they can dare, suggest, even flat out tell me to do something and I will.  Although I don’t think its a character flaw, it is something I’ve been trying to get more a hold of because I know someday someone will tell me to do something illegal, like Claire Danes in that one movie who was in Thailand and she smuggled drugs for someone and got put in prison for like her whole life. I never saw it, so I’m not for sure if that’s what happened.  but you get the drift.   Someday I will end up in a Thai prison.

So on to the story

So Seth calls me like the next day (after gladiator date night) and we again talk for a couple of hours where I find out about a ex girlfriend of his named Tiffany and how she’s married now and etc…  and then during the week he might have come down I’m not sure.  None of that matters though.  Its this next part that gets crazy.

He invites me to spend the weekend with him at his parents house.  (I know I know I hide my head in shame now.)  But I accepted.  His parents would be there of course.  as well as his 6 brothers.  and some girl cousin that lived with them.  So he came and picked me up and we I had my little overnight bag with me . So the first night the family pulls out “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” and I have never seen it so I am really excited.  

 

Then as it starts they(Seth’s brothers) are all like “I’m that brother” “I’m that brother” “That’s me”  See there was 7 boys in that family.  and then as the “Brides” start coming out or whatever (I’ve forgotten the movie now) the brothers are like “That’s the one I marry” “that one is mine”  pointing to the girl who eventually ends up with each brother in the movie.  and then Seth’s girl comes up and they say “That’s Seth’s wife! That’s Seth’s wife” and he kind of sighs and says ” That’s what Tiffany looks like”  :(  and then he gets all sad and depressed.

I just kind of sat there feeling dumb.  Then not kidding they all start talking about Tiffany. How great she was, how sweet she was, how beautiful she was.  Apparently his mother loved her. and I felt like I was in Twilight zone or something. 

My last morning I am there I am helping his mom make breakfast for everyone.  Seth was getting ready to go to work and he was standing by me and said “This is what it will be like when we’re married” and I was like “sigh”  because how sweet is that right!!! but now i realize that he probably meant that that was exactly how he pictured us… living with his parents and his mom and me would be cooking him breakfast every morning and taking care of him.  I forgot to mention he was a little over obsessed with his mom too.

So one thing I found out while dating Seth was that he loved curly hair.  He told me that a million times probably.  (also that Tiffany had  curly hair) So I of course went and bought sponge rollers and would curl my hair every time before we went out. Every time.  and curling your hair with sponge rollers in no small feat. 

My hair was short.  Not short short.  Just kinda middle short.  and it was brown.  So when i put rollers in my hair it came out really short and curly.  Kinda like this.

He never really commented on my hair that he liked it or not but I guess thats par for the course. 

For some reason I had gift certificates for a steak house called Carvers in Orem.  Its really nice and I thought it would be fun to go there with Seth.  So I asked him if he wanted to get dressed up and go to dinner with me, my treat.  I got dressed up in a really cute skirt and shirt, had holly do my makeup all fancy, and curled my hair.  Seth came and picked me up and he was in slacks, shirt and tie. 

We are enjoying a nice dinner and a couple comes in and sits next to us.  They were married and a little older, early 30’s.  The wife has long blonde hair which was down and curled…like this

 Seth notices her and looks at her while they are sitting down and then turns to me saying

“That’s the kind of curl I like.”  Basically implying to me that my own little sweet brown bob was a piece of crap in his eyes.  I started tearing up at that.  I think that’s when I started to realize that I had been so dumb to go out with him for so long.  But the next part is what broke the camels back. 

The bill comes out.  It came to $73 dollars and good thing because I had $75 in gift certificates.  So I paid with that but as I’m getting those out I realize I don’t have my bank card on me.  As the waiter is going to enter in the gift certificates I tell Seth that I don’t have money to pay for the tip.  (which would be about $15)  I asked him if he could cover it.  Which to that he replied “Yes if you fill my truck up with gas” 

Yeah I was pretty pissed.  I sat there kind of looking at him “are you kidding me?”  and he drove me home and waited for me as I went and got my bank card and then we went to a gas station and I filled up his tank.  I know that sounds stupid that I did that but I think I wanted to see if he really wanted me to and I also wanted him to feel like an idiot as he watched me fill it up.  Which the answers to above was yes he really did want me to… and no I don’t think he felt like an idiot.

So the next time I talked to him I broke up with him over the phone.  It was civil for the most part.  and I didn’t  hear  from him for quite awhile until one night I got a phone call from him pretty late.  I didn’t answer.  So it went to voice mail and this was his message.

“Shellie its me.  I’m outside and I know you are home because I can see that your car is here.  I just want you to know that I’m sorry and that I still love you.  I have a surprise for you in the morning” 

I had no idea what to think about the “surprise”.  But I didn’t call him back and the next morning when I went to go to drive to work (to Fairfield Inn which was right across the street)  (not kidding It was literally across the street from my condo)  I found my sweet surprise from Seth.

My car was decorated with balloons and those flag pendant banner things… you know like the car dealeships hang around to make their lot look exciting… and a big piece of card board that said “I love you Shellie!”

Crazy!  I hadn’t even talked to him in about 2 months!!!

I scraped all that crap off my car and dumped it in the trash.  I found out later that he got all that stuff from a car dealership.  which explains flag pendant banner thing. 

So I never called him back but I did find out that he had married someone 2 months after that. 

So that’s that :)

The End.

Coming soon from the Vault of Shellie….  Poopy Parfume Story!!!!

I know you guys love when I open the vault and pull a wonderful story from my past out to share. 

Back in 2001 I worked at Deseret Book with a lot of BYU nerds.  Remember the couple that got married, the ones who both dressed up as Harry Potter for Halloween?  Those were just 2 of the nerds I worked with.  How did I even get the job because clearly I am not in the same catagory.  I mean back in College I was so cool.  I drove a little white Jetta, lived in a super cool condo, dated some really cool guys (have I ever told you the story of Seth?  I’ll have to get on that.   or the guy I dated that brought over George of the Jungle and quoted the entire movie…. yes every single line… even the girl lines… even the monkey that talked lines!!!!) 

But anyway so among all these uber nerds at Deseret Book there I was wrapping hymn books, engraving names on scriptures, and reading as many Jeanette Oke books that I could get my hands on.  During this time I started dating Chad.  (Every one at Deseret Book thought he was stalking me… because thats what I told them)  I did some very nice things for Chad while I worked there.  I made him a leather key ring “The Chad” engraved in gold leaf.  I called him on my breaks to see what he was up too.  and I also said “I love you” for the first time to him while I was on the phone there. 

as we were hanging up I said “I love you goodbye”  and he just said “uhhhhh…” and I was so embarrassed that I hung up the phone on him.  Oh and we also got a free book as our christmas bonus and I ordered a church book in portuguese for him.  I was the best girlfriend.  Well except for the fact that I told everyone he was stalking me.  So everytime he left the store after visiting me my little friends would come up to me and be like “oh my gosh he’s so creepy and I can’t believe he’s stalking you!!! what are you going to do!!!” and I would be like “I KNOW!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO”  sorry honey :)

Okay so to the whole point of the story…. Poopy Parfume Story

So I wore this perfume called “Lucky Brand Perfume”  yeah you know made by Lucky Brand Jeans (I still wear it… so good)   and I had a brilliant idea one day at deseret book while stocking necklaces, tie tacks, and oil viles.

I’ll get an oil vile keychain and put my perfume in it and while Chad and I are out on a date I can descreetly dab some perfume on while he’s not looking.  That way I’ll always smell good.  So I bought a little blue key chain oil vile.  Went home and put some of my Lucky Brand perfume in it.  When ever chad and I were together I would go to the bathroom and put some on.  Well after a couple of weeks I had lost my keys with the blue oil vile keychain… so I used my back up key set for a couple of more weeks.  Then one day I found my original keys with the “perfume vile” (the pefume had now been in there for at least a month or two) and I went with Chad on a date.  So I go to the bathroom to go potty and reapply my lip gloss and was like Sweet!  I can put some pefume on.

So I dabbed some on and went back to Chad.  When I sat down by him his face got all scrunched up.  He looked like he was going to throw up.  Like he just smelled the worst shiz in the world. 

“What?” I asked

“That SMELL!”

“What Smell?”

“I’m sorry but something smells so bad!”

“What me?”  “I smell bad?”

“yes like poop”

“Really?”  I couldn’t smell it.  Maybe I had a cold or something for real I couldn’t smell anything.

Chad leaned in closer and smelled around my neck.  He immediatly pulled back. His eyes were watering.

“Did you put something on?”

“I put on some perfume.”  I start going through my purse, trying to get my key ring out.

“See!  its just perfume”  I showed him the oil key chain vile… opening up the lid… and then I took a big sniff…

BARF!  IT SMELLED LIKE A ROTTEN TURD. 

It seriously smelled so awful.  I started to gag.  I don’t know why I couldn’t smell it when I had put it on.  Maybe because I was in the bathroom and it already smelled like rotten turd in there.  or something.

anyway I high tailed it back to the bathroom and scrubbed away at my neck like a madwoman.  My neck was pink and raw after I was done.

Then when I got back to Chad I felt pretty stupid but he was cool about it and was trying hard not to laugh.  I guess the metal that the vile was made of chemically reaccted with the perfume to make it smell like donkey barf turd. 

so lesson learned.  don’t put pefume in a metal oil vile.  but I bet the wooden ones might be okay.  I’ll have to try it out and let you know.