back to writing

back to feeling like me

back to sunshine

FINALLY!

you know why so many embarrassing things happen to me.  because I’m a spaz.  and I’ll do anything to make someone happy.  so today I took two of my twins and Kate on a walk.  the two year old twins did not want to stay in the wagon.  As I was pulling I could hear them crying and fussing and trying to crawl over the edge.  So I say

“Stop!” 

and then sing

“Collaborate and listen.  Ice is back with a brand new addition.  Something grabs a hold of me tightly… duh duh duh…. will it ever stop yo I don’t know…. I’ll put my hands up and I’ll glow.” 

and then the girls are looking at me but still crying.  So I bust a move.  and not like a shake my money maker move. 

i do a huge windmill with my arms and legs like a tap dancer and follow it up with jazz hands

the girls stopped crying.  if this was a scene from “Look who’s Talking”  they would have said “Holy Shiz! did you just see what i just saw”  and the other one would have just nodded slowly. 

so I picked up the wagon handle and turned to continue on I noticed two  guys between these two houses  checking on some meters.  They weren’t laughing or anything just kinda watching it all go down.   I felt really dumb so I said “hey”  and waved.  and they smiled and said “hey”   they were sooo thinking “Dude white girls can’t sing or dance” 

i know. 

i know.

please for the love of all things sane and holy don’t ever let me audition for SYTYCD or Idol. 

As Lisa, Jillo, Jeffy, Steve and I were walking in front of Bellagio making our way to Paris for dinner we ran into a Holy Roller and his Bullhorn.  This is what he said in a very calm and monotone voice.

“Hell is a very bad place”

“Jesus does not want you to go to Hell”

“Jesus is a Gentleman”

I like most people in the world have tons of dreams.  and today while driving around I was thinking about one in particular and something popped in my head.  I thought to myself… “On a Scale of 1-10 how much do I want to do that like really really bad?” and then I answered myself “hmmm…. about a 10″  and so I decided  to drive myself to Sonic and buy myself a large diet coke.  It was so cool.

I will now use this decision making model for the rest of my life.  and hopefully I will make a lot more headway in accomplishing many of my life dreams.

Go on a Caribean Cruise -  10

Get hair extensions- 8

Jewel Concert- 9

Justin Timberlake concert- 7

Reenact Flashdance opening dance with water and red swimsuit - 10

Eat a bean burrito from Cafe Rio- 6

Write a book- 9

become a pediatric oncology nurse- 10

get a hot stone massage- 5

get a foot massage- 6

get my eyebrows done by Anastasia- 8

be Drew Barrymore’s double on movie sets - 10

Live in Montana on a horse ranch- 8

Go to a taping of Oprah- 7

Ride in a hot air balloon- 5

blow hot molten glass into a vase-10

have another baby- 8

get a baby puppy-8

Eat a smart cookie in the month of April- 10!!!!!!

that about wraps it up

Lisa will you bring me 3 sugar smart cookies for our vacay in vegas? 

if I see one more WP theme or HTML code I will barf.

I apologize to any of you who got to see the array of different themes I was trying out on my site today. Finding a WP theme is not easy. because you find one that you like but then when you download it, extract it, upload it to your server, then try it out on your site… some things don’t work or look like crap. so you have to go find a new theme and go through the whole process over again.

plus a TON of WP themes are built for buisness blogs and so they are very professional and simple. So trying to find a girly one that looks cool and doesn’t have hello kitties holding umbrellas and floating away into a haiku sky is very difficult.

My friend here in Georgia, Jessie is having a baby tomorrow!!!  and so is my friend Kate in April!!!  and so is another lady in my ward.  I don’t know her name.  But she’s Brazilian. 

Sooo one time, when we first moved here we got invited over to the bishop’s house for dinner, and we found out they were also going to be there.  Her and her husband are full blooded Brazilians.  So Chad and I thought it would be cool to wear these Brazilian Soccer shirts over to dinner that he had got on his mission… in Brazil.  One team was a national team.  I don’t know their name.  It was a red  and black shirt.  The other team was also a national team.  It was a bright green and white shirt.  I wore the red and black shirt.  Chad wore the green one.  We thought they would be like really happy… or uber impressed.  or basically just really really happy that we were wearing these soccer shirts. 

well I thought that.  I thought they would grab us in big bear hugs and swing us around the living room and tears would start coming out of their eyes because they would feel some national pride and some oneness with us.  By the way these soccer shirts were huge.  Like mine came down to my knees.  and believe me it didn’t look cool, like how you can wear a dress over tight skinny jeans.  It looked huge and swarmy. 

anyway so we walk into the bishops house.  Which by the way is like really really nice.  Basically like an english manor… with fires going in the fireplaces, and a big sweet dog to greet you at the door, and its like this real fancy dinner.  and everyone is in nice dress clothes.  

 then Chad and I come traipsen through like we just came from a sports bar. (and I looked like I was possibly drunk) (because I was so excited that we were wearing these shirts) (I was excited because I knew the Brazilian couple would be so excited) Then they introduce us to the Brazilian couple and they were like “Hi” and I was like HI!!and everything… but they didn’t even notice our shirts.  So then I turned around to show them my back.  So they could see the big Brazilian emblem and all the Brazilian words.  But still they didn’t get it.  So I was just kept turning in circles trying to point to my back.  Finally Chad was like “Do you remember these teams from Brazil”  and they were like “No sorry”  and they were super nice and talked to us and it was all good but I feel so dumb.  Dubbly dumb because Chad had worn a second shirt under his jersy and so he took his off.  Well I didn’t go the second shirt route so I  had to wear my soccer dress all night.  :)

anyway my point is I think that lady is expecting too.  oh shoot maybe she isn’t.  I don’t know. 

my other point is I have two really good friends who are having babies.  One tomorrow.  Yay.  I love babies. 

and Kate’s baby girl in April.  Which is good.  Maybe she’ll ask me to be her birthing coach.  Its one of those things I think I could be good at.  That and taking 911 calls. 

P.S.  what is something you know that you would be good at, though you’ve never tried.  Like its just in you?

TO: You

FROM: Me

 some cute baby pictures

When I was in college I lived a really cool life.  I was as close to being as awesome as I would ever get.  It was like I reached my peak.  My moment in the sun.  My full potential.  Now I’m just a has been.   I’m like the 50 year old guitar player of a 80’s hair band.  The one who still has permed feathered hair but a big pot gut.   and the only people coming to my rock shows are ladies who wear jordache jeans and dream catcher earrings.  its been a hard life out here on the road I tell ya. 

I spend my days searching for discontinued Postum at the grocery store, and my nights reliving the glory days. 

“Oh the glory days…”  Strumming my guitar  (Okay I don’t want to pretend I’m a 50 year old hair band guy anymore)  (But ya’ll are more than welcome to still pretend you are wearing Jordache Jeans and dream catcher earrings!!!)  Now I want you to imagine me as kind of a mix between Jewel and Stevie Nicks…   like young and beautiful but also Edgy and Mysterious at the same time. 

So here’s a song that’s been wanting to be sung since the world begun.  (uh something that happened in 2000 while I was at work) 
I worked front desk at Fairfield Inn.  I spent many a hours making reservations, checking people in, and making up new recipes of what I could put together with the items the continental breakfast held.  (Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, Peanut Butter and Jelly on English muffins, Peanut Butter and Jelly on Pop Tarts, Peanut Butter and Jelly on Krispy Kreme donuts) 
*TRUE STORY -  Wendy the night auditor was diagnosed with Diabetes one week after the Krispy Kreme shop on university ave in orem opened.  (They were right next door to us… they gave us free donuts for a month while they were in “Kitchen Test” mode)  Coincidence?  I don’t think so!
So one afternoon about 15 minutes before the end of my shift I got a horrible stomach ache.  It hurt so bad.  I have no idea what was going on (peanutbutterpeanutbutterpeanutbutter) in there.  So right as I’m in the worse pain in my life this awesome Ford Mustang pulls up outside the doors and out steps the most hottest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.  It was a cross between the guy from the “Diet Coke Break” commercials and a young Richard Gere. 

+

= smiley face

He comes into the lobby and flashes me amazing smile. My pain of course has disappeared as the adrenaline has now taken over and making me feel all warm and fuzzy.
“Hi” he says
“Hey” I say
“Can I get a room?” 
“Of course”
“Do you want to marry me”
“Yes!!!!” 
and then he carried me upstairs and over the thresh hold. all the housekeepers are waving towels above their heads and cheering… and then I place his hat on my head. 
ooops sorry… so I check him in and give him his key, and the run down of where every thing is… the pool is here, exercise room here, continental breakfast time is when… etc.   So he’s gone and in walks my coworker who’s starting the next shift.   Then for the next 15 minutes as I’m closing up my shift and sharing any new info with my coworker my tummy ache comes back.  I was DYING. My tummy  was starting to make noises.  The worse kind of Tummy noises… Brewing Noises.   I just had to get HOME!
Home was a 5 minute walk from Fairfield Inn.  Just go through the continental breakfast, through another set of doors, which led down a path, that was right next to the outside lounge area for the pool, then across the parking lot… then a road, then 3 flights of stairs..HOME!
I get through the breakfast area, I’m hurrying… trying not to run… out the doors, okay now I’m on the path that leads past the outside lounge area.  Oh my gosh I can’t even help it anymore…. but its the middle of the day.. on a Wednesday… the hotel has been very quiet.  So I just went with the flow.  I let out the grossest most disgusting gas in the history of mankind. but instantly I felt so much better…
“WHAT THE HELL?”  A deep voice interupts my “moment” 
I look over to my right. Right next to me… not more than 3 feet away from me on the other side of the gated fence of the pool lounge area I see him.  “Diet Coke Break” younger Richard Gere man laying on a lawn chair!!!   I looked at him,  he looked at me… I looked at him… he LOOKED at ME!  We were both in disbelief. He was probably in SHELL SHOCK!
and then I ran as FAST as I could across the parking lot, across the road, up the 3 flights of stairs!  I think I broke some sort of record. 

If there is a record for running away from hot guy after farting feet away from his head area? is there? 

the end

I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel like David Archuletta.

Its true.

You know he like belts out this amazing song, while playing piano, at the same time looking like a Monchichi. 

Then everyone is like

“Oh Archie… You are just so good… we absofruitly love you to pieces…”  Then they pinch his cheeks and make goo goo baby sounds. 

and he like gets all bashful and is like

 ”Ah nah…ahhhh guys… giggle giggle… nah… ah shucksies thanks” 

Sometimes I just want to  flick him in the middle of the forehead REAL HARD and say,

“STOP IT!” 

“TAKE THE COMPLIMENTS LIKE A MAN”

I mean could you see David Cook saying things like:

“Oh… thanks… oh nah I’m not that good… ah you are too kind…giggle giggle giggly goo”

Yeah I can’t either.  He’s like “Thank You Man.  I appreciate it.”  No BS about it.  He owns it. 

So I have people in my life, relatives, friends, bloggy friends that appreciate and like my blog.  And for that honestly I thank you.  Because I absolutely love writing in my blog and sharing my life through it.  It is probably one of the things that keeps me from going catatonic at the end of the day. 

But when people say “Shellie you’ve got talent.”  “Shellie I can totally see your stories”  “I know I can count on your blog for a good laugh” 

I’m like “nah… ah… thanks… nah… oh shucksies… nah I’m not good”  because honestly I can’t own it.  I don’t know why other than the obvious reason that I feel if I say,

“Thank You” 

People will think.  “Shellie is an Rtard.  She’s so stuck up.  She thinks she’s better than me.  She thinks she’s so cool”  and then all of the sudden I’m getting hit with mud balls and rocks and I’m getting chased down and given a big massive wedgie.  But then when they pull up  on my underwear,  they all see its Winnie the Pooh underwear,  then they really start laughing.  They are laughing so hard that they have no desire to even terrorize me anymore. So they all walk off but then one of them (a little chubby kid in sweat pants) runs back real quick, and kicks me in my stomach real hard and then runs back to catch up with the group.  Where they all high five each other.

Then I’m just laying there doing the ugly moaning cry “ehhhhhhhh ehhhhhhh ehhhhhhh” I’m just a big mess.  of snot and slobber. 

Its really not pretty. 

Which is why I need someone to come and flick me in the head and say

“STOP IT”

“TAKE IT LIKE A MAN”

because frankly after the 2nd time Archie did the whole “nah… its not true… I’m not that good”  thing it just stopped being endearing.  Then the only people that liked him were 12 year olds and Grandma’s in nursing homes.  And as much as I like 12 year olds and Grandma’s…

 I know I need to stop being so scared and embarrassed that I have something that I’m good at. 

And that its okay to feel okay that you are good at something. 

I mean I might be shooting out into left field… but I bet its not just me that feel like this.  Do you guys ever feel like a David Archuletta?

Dear Shellie,

If you back the car out of the garage and then put it in park, and then go inside the garage and push the garage door button and run as fast as you can and try to jump the sensor, which you don’t and it stops the garage door and it goes back up, so you do it again, and again, and again, and again.  Make sure that there is not a group of construction workers parked right outside of your house, eating lunch and watching you.  Because when you do finally realize that you suck at jumping garage door sensors and just go out through the front door you will see all of them sitting in their truck laughing at you. 

Love,

Shellie