Today is Sunday May 2 2010

this weekend I watched some kids while their parents went away together.  I can’t wait to get away for awhile.  Utah is only 6 weeks away.  My brother Austin was able to come over last night!!! He lives in Utah but was flying to Peru for business when his connecting flight in Atlanta got canceled so my sister in law called and we went and picked him up since the next flight was not until the next day.  We had dinner and laughed and played rock band and talked a lot.  I really love that my brother believes in me as a writer.  It got me all pumped up again to keep working at it.

My sister Stephanie called tonight to tell me that she was heading in to have her baby.  This is number 4 for her.  A  baby girl that they are going to name Leighton Grace.   I wish I was there…  I miss my sister a whole bunch and it makes me sad that I miss out on big moments like this.  (by the way she is 42 weeks pregnant! can we say SUPER TROOPER???)

my mom’s side of the family last summer in utah

I came home tonight from babysitting to see a huge mess of a train wreck of a yard.  SO WHITE TRASH!  I feel so bad for my neighbors.  On friday the lawn was looking a little iffy… but with the two days I was gone it had grown full blown AMAZON.  I have some lawn guys coming tomorrow… Note to self LAWN GUYS are coming tomorrow (there was an incident with one of them on Friday where I thought i was going to be killed by one of them who was crouched by my back door… he was just refilling his weed pump with water from my back faucet… i didn’t know he was there… my life flashed before my eyes)

This week is going to be busy busy busy.  I work every day and I have to write WHENEVER i get the chance.  To make my goal of 50,000 words by May 31st I think I’m going to aim for 2,000 words a day.  I promised some very dear friends that when I see them in June they will get the first rough draft of my book.  And I don’t want to let them down.  Don’t expect much from this blog because of that reason mentioned.  Have you ever expected much from this blog ;)  ?? 

Also I got my dream package from MELINDA on friday and I’ll be posting pics soon.  Melinda you’re so very very right about those Peanut Butter Patties.  Delicioso!!!  I miss you and love you!!!

Also (good job if you are still reading at this point)  I was reading a child rearing book tonight and I read something that was pretty cool.  I’ve always struggled with the fact that Dallen needed therapy when he was little because I felt that it showed how inept I was as a parent.  Because Kate is such an excellent communicator I felt that it showed that I placed Kate’s needs above Dallen’s or that I favor her… Isn’t being a parent so guilt inducing… anyway so I was reading this book and it mentioned that children at any age can become better at language based not on how much you talk to them and surround them with language but more importantly how you respond to them when they speak to you.  I wish I had found this out when Dallen was younger and know I feel a little more educated to help both him and Kate now.  And basically its any acknowledgement… eye contact, a pat on the knee, a nod of the head, and of course verbal response.  I like this knowledge… because sometimes I talked to dallen until I was blue in the face as I took him on stroller rides… see that fire engine its red… see that its a bird…    you know and so on.  But then when he wouldn’t “say” it back I felt that I was doing something wrong and would try a new approach and change it up.  So the book was saying that even at  6 months or so when a baby begins to babble or coo to respond to them.    anyway  I liked that book and just found it interesting.  Its called Nurture Shock. 

Well I’m off to fold laundry… and then to bed since I’m going to start really really training for my 10k this summer. 

love,

shellie 

 UPDATE!!!! My brother in law Scott just called and my sister had her baby about 20 minutes ago.  So proud and happy for her!!!!  LOVE LOVE LOVE my Family!!!! now i can’t stop crying :)

got caught short yesterday… let me continue with my thought

if i had 6 months left to live

i would throw a white tie party like I’ve always wanted.  I think its a real shame that after you get married there’s no other reason really to dress up anymore.  which is another reason why i hate celebrities… they always have an excuse to wear ball gowns and tuxes.  I kindof want to do it for my 30th birthday but since my birthday is 7 days before christmas I really can’t because no one has no mo.  See how i did that right there… saying “mo” instead of money…  it was really funny.  so I would rent some swanky ball room, have it catered, white jacket  for the guys, gowns for the girls… it would be perfect.

still take one month reserved entirely for chad, dallen, and kate… go somewhere fun

move back to utah

book

sing

have big dance party

still have movie theater with double feature of dirty dancing and flash dance for my girlfriends

put my kids to bed every night

eat chocolate every day

road trip with mom and camping with dad

yoga and shooting guns with aust and steph

helping lace someway with school

still get that cute bike (I’ve only had one and it got stolen by girl named Marjorie) 

read the book of mormon

get a puppy named Jocco

1 week

fly home to utah

have big party with all my friends and family

go somewhere with dallen and kate and chad at least for 48hrs

sing

hang out with my mom and dad

put my kids to sleep every night

read little women one last time

eat chocolate every day

1 day

Stay right where I am

have breakfast with my kids

and snuggle with them

and play with them

and never get mad at them for being kids

go to the movies with chad and hold his hand

eat at olive garden all the chicken alfredo I could

eat chocolate

read to my kids, say their prayers with them, and sing them to sleep 

call my family and friends back home and tell them I love them

tell them the one thing I want for them out of this life

is that they live how I wish I lived every day of mine

which is this

I want to live every day realizing that I have a good heart, and that because of that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for being the person that I am.  That there are people who don’t know or understand me, who might put me down in one way or another, but I shouldn’t let their opinions of me be the map of which I live my life.  The people who do know me best, and love me, and appreciate me… they know where I’m heading and always lift me up when I fall down and help me to where I’m going anyway…

where we are all going ya know… back home, heaven, god’s arms

 and thats how I’d end the last day :)

xo

shell

i had a year left to live

i would learn to play the guitar… even a few chords… just enough so I could walk into some coffee shop and sing all my favorite jewel songs to anyone who want to listen… and not give a crap if I was off key at times or not hit every note…

go to Russia and get my picture taken in front of st. petersburg cathedral with a cute furry hat

read to my kids every night and sing to them and say their prayers… I’m like a star shining brightly, silent night, you are my sunshine, I am a child of god, good night sweetheart

take a road trip with my mom… and play car games, and sing songs, and stop at gas stations for junk food

go camping with my dad

send flowers to my grandma murdock and tell her how much I love her handmade cards.  they always brighten my day.  i love seeing her handwriting… turning over the card and seeing “made withlove” stamped and then “Grandma M” written underneath

Eat all the chicken alfredo i wanted at Olive Garden when they have the “all you can eat pasta” nights… until the manager comes out and asks me to leave

Write and publish a book (even if I have to go to kinkos and xerox it and bind it with those curly plastic binding edges)

Give a talk in sacrament.  Its been a long time.  I’m pretty sure I’m on a blacklist of some kind and that the church thinks if I was given the opportunity I would screw it up and lead people astray by saying something completely stupid and off the wall.  so i guess giving a talk would make me feel at peace that I’m not on said blacklist with HF.

go to New York with all my girlfriends see shows, shop and eat.  when I say shop I mean go all out… pretty woman style… like someone has to carry hat boxes for me and orders me a pizza because I’m spending “obscene amounts of money”

have a real honeymoon with chad :)  or maybe re create our 1st one… it’s pretty funny looking back at it now.   having the dog howl all night in the hotel room next to us… continental breakfast being a gallon of milk and a box of cereal at the front desk area.

Move back to utah

Buy a palomino horse

Write a letter to Charity Jobe who I made fun of in 4th and 5th grade and tell her I’m sorry :(

Also Veronica Martinez (I made my boyfriend dump me… ask her out… and then dump her in front of a group of kids)

Take one month and pack up my kids and chad and go to some tropical island and live in one of those beach huts and all we would wear is our swimsuits and swim and read and play in the sand and roast marshmallows and pigs on our beach fire every night.

being a contestant on Price is right, jeopardy, or wheel of fortune would be fun

Volunteer as a camp counselor at Camp Hobe

Get a Maltese puppy and name him “Jocco Part Deux”  but just call him “Jocco”

Sew dresses for kate on my sewing machine

eat chocolate every day.  a king size symphony bar.  Every day….nom nom nom

Not feel bad for one more moment that my thighs aren’t as small as I want, or that my butt isn’t teensy tiny, or that my hair isn’t long enough… or that i don’t have big jugs

read the book of mormon.  not because I think god wouldn’t let me into heaven if I don’t… but that if I do it shows that I love him… mostly because it would take a lot of dedication on my part to finish it… and dedication is a way to show love

have a garden.

have a hammock.

buy a nice bed set… white… big, fluffy, and romantic… maybe with some ruffle detail somewhere

See Oprah.  Or Ellen.  Oprah if it was her favorite things show… Ellen just cuz she’s funny.

Have a big dance party with all my friends.

Play board/card games every night.

Learn how to dive.  I can not dive for the life of me… and I’m always envious of those commercials/ads/movies that shows a woman in some beautiful swimsuit diving into clear blue water.

Rent a movie theater and invite all my girlfriends to a double feature of Dirty Dancing and Flashdance

Run a marathon. or as many 5ks, 10ks, halfies as lisa would do with me

Publish all my poems.  (again with the kinko’s)

do yoga with Stephanie… Serenity :)

take a .22 and go shoot stuff somewhere with my brother austin  (or a swap meet :)

help lacey with college

Sky Dive

Have a cute bike with a basket on the front

move somewhere where I can bike to a little market so I can fill cute basket with cute fruit

renew my vows with chad on a beach somewhere… wearing an amazing beautiful dress, and then dancing all night long in his arms…

watch america’s next top model marathon one weekend and have all the diet coke and chocolate i wanted.

bake cupcakes, cookies, pies, as much as I can

i guess i could go on all day… but that should do it for now

whak the heck?!  (by the way read whak like the word what but with a k at the end.  its the cool way of saying what now.  Liz Lemon did it in 30 rock and she’s a fictional charachter so she should know)

okay now that you are in on what is hip let me start again

WHAK the HECK?! 

i was doing all fine and dandy and getting out of winter blues.  (going on vacation, having some financial situations hopefully get better, having the EFFING Sun finally show its freaking face!!! has really helped)

well then what do you know but weird sad feeling snuck up on me all the sudden and I just feel like crying all the time.  no i actually don’t cry… but the feeling is there… WHICH IS WORSE!  today I tried so hard to squeeze a tear out… and I got a little tiny one but then i started laughing at myself for acting like a 17 year old again and remembered the one time that I put on my Romeo and Juliet (starring Leo and Claire) soundtrack on repeat for a couple of hours just so I could cry over (insert hs boyfriend name)  and HOPE that since I was sending the universe a message of heartbreak that the universe would send me hs boyfriend and he would walk in and hear the music and see me all sad and grab me and kiss me.   

but thats not how the universe works is it? 

nope the universe doesn’t care and screws you over all the time…

and then guess what the UNIVERSE gives you? 

STUPID SAYINGS LIKE

THE END

Every now and then some words from a song come to my mind and make me feel strong again and I know that I can take life on.  Sometimes I feel so gosh darn tired.  Of everything and everyone.  Not feeling understood, feeling overwhelmed, physically and mentally and emotionally.  And sometimes it gets to a point where I just want to lay down, stare at nothing, and do well…  nothing. 

But I keep going back to a memory from my cancer days.  I guess because its very tangible for me to believe that since I’m a cancer survivor that I can keep those moments as a safeguard for the times when I feel like giving up. 

I remember laying on my bed.  It was a summer day.  The sun was coming through the window.  I was hot and very uncomfortable but I couldn’t do anything and I didn’t want to.  I was laying on my stomach one arm hanging over the edge my cheek sweaty and hot against the sheet.   My whole body ached with pain but also with intense fatigue.  I don’t think that makes any sense but it was almost like the fatigue was just as painful as all the muscle spasms and bone aches. 

 I could hear my sister walk in and she moved in front of my line of vision and stood there for a second checking on me it seemed.  Then she moved over to our dresser and I could hear her fiddling with our CD player.  The lid opened, a disc was put in, the slight spinning and then she tapped her way through the tracks until she found the song she was looking for.

Music started.   Then Stephanie walked back over in front of me.  Then her voice melded almost perfectly with Lenny Kravitz as she sang

Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own

Garden for Zoe
And oceans for Zoe
Jungle gym playgrounds
All kinds of things for you to explore

Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own
Yeah yeah yeah

God is for Zoe
And heaven’s for Zoe
Oh can you believe
That everything is waiting to unfold ?
You can call your own
You can call your own
You can call your own

I loved it of course.  But the awful thing was at the time my fatigue was so intense that I couldn’t even muster the energy to smile or say “thank you”.  I just laid there.  Stephanie came over and kissed my cheek.  Whispered “I love you”  and walked out of the room. 

I just wanted to share that with you, i guess because there are going to be times in our lives where we are completely worn down to the point of complete fatigue and we feel like we can’t go on.  But god will always in someway or another give you hope to go on.  Even if at the time you can’t show your appreciation for whatever reason… its still there ready to be drawn upon. 

I’m a pretty happy person sure but I don’t think most people see that I have my own set of crap to deal with just like every one else. 

I get really really horrible bad awful winter blues.  It usually starts going down hill around September and then its full blown deep end by the time Christmas rolls around.  Thank goodness this year it has been very mild and I really attribute that to trying to pray more and ask that Heavenly Father will bless me with a clear mind during these hazy depressing feelings I go through. 

This year I am really looking forward to letting some negative feelings go which include anger, dissapointment, sadness, and frustration in order to have more serenity in my life. 

I really am going to give yoga a go again too because I really do believe that it helps your spirit work through shiz that your mind doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with yet.  When I was home in the summer I went to some yoga classes taught by my sister Stephanie.  For the 2 weeks I had been there I had been feeling some frustrations about some relationships in my life and was pretty pissed off about it.  At the very end during some deep breathing meditation time I felt very at peace and happy and the only thing I thought about was the way it felt when Chad is holding my hand.  I always forget from time to time how complete I feel being married to Chad and when I forget that everything else in my life seems a little off. 

anyway I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post.  only that I have sadness in my life too.  I don’t often feel like I can express it very openly because I don’t want people to think I’m a whiney person.  but there are times where I wish I could laugh it away,  or turn the music up louder and drown it out… but I guess the only way  you can deal with it is sometimes to grow a pair and face it head on. 

wish me luck.

xo

shell

i can’t make a complete post about any of this but here’s some stuff thats been going on

• i had a really good day today… and mostly because I spent 3 hrs outside with my kids and their friends making leave piles for them to jump in.  you know the whole “love language” thing well I read a post the other day on Erin’s blog that hit me that said that kids love language is just to play with them.   I had a really GREAT day just playing with my kids.  The moment that really brought it home was Dallen jumping into a pile with a great big smile on his face exclaiming “This is the best day ever” 
• Chad got promoted to be a manager at his work.  I’m very very proud of him.  Way to bring home the bacon honey.  Thanks for being my man. 
• I want to buy some mustard yellow leather gloves from Target.
• Our ward got split and now we have to drive about 25 miles to our new church building. 
• I really can not emphasize enough how cool Herbal Essence “Tossle Me Softly”  products are. THEY ARE DA BOMB!  You know how VS models all have sexy bedroom hair.  I’m not kidding The “TMS” products deliver that.  First I put a little of the mousse in, then I towel dry my hair,  then blow dry it on low,  then I use a 1 1/2 inch curling iron all over, then I use a little “TMS” finishing creme and for the next 24 hrs I have Heidi Klum hair.  even the next morning its like still slightly curly on the ends and has so much body.  GO GET SOME! 
• I am getting excited my birthday is coming up.  I’m excited to hang out with friends, go on a date with Chad, and the most funnest thing is that it means BIRTHDAY SHOES!  I love birthday shoes.  Every year since last year I get birthday shoes on my birthday.  I have my eye on a pair of Alfini shoes from Macy’s that are patent leather and red.  Not slutty red, like a ruby red.  I tried them on the last time we went to macy’s and they are perfect. 
• Now that Chad is a manager he has Thanksgiving and Black Friday off.    yay. 
• Mrs. Fields Marketing hasn’t called me.  I’ve called them a couple times to see what the word was but they haven’t gotten back to me :(  BUT  I want to make something happen because I don’t want this to go down in my Book of Big Plans as a big fat zero.  so with or without Mrs Fields we’ll do something okay! 

Okay I have to run.  But thats some things that have been happening. 

So I’ve been doing NaNoWriMo for like 5 days.  It has been very emotional and crazy.  Not only am I putting extreme pressure on myself  to be creative but also while trying to continue my day to day activities of checking FB whenever possible and eating bagels.  Its so hard to fit writing in the mix!  woe is me.  

one  cool thing is almost daily I receive pep talks from other NaNoWriMo writers who are trying to pump us up to keep WRITING!!!! because Its so freaking hard.  I almost give up every minute.  I love getting pep talks.  Everyone needs a little “YOU CAN DO IT!”  So its cool coming from writers in the same boat as me saying “So what if you are writing pure junk that should belong in the fiction section of Teen Tiger Beat… so Freaking what!  you are doing something that is important to you… which is writing and being creative.  YOU CAN DO IT”  and then my heart starts beating real fast and I’m like “hell yeah i can”

I love pep talks so much that I decided to write a little tiny bit of one to all of you today. 

I have had my fair share of experiencing life’s butt hole moments.    And almost every day I wake up in a semi bad mood.  But one thing is that I try to keep things in perspective.  The other day a friend asked me if I would go back and change the way I grew up and I said “No”  and she was like “What?” and I smiled and said “I loved my childhood”  some crazy stuff happened.  My life has not been a cookie cutter Leave it to Beaver awesome wholesome perfect  life.  but honestly I wouldn’t trade it for anyone elses. 

Do you remember during my photo montage of my cancer pictures there’s a picture of me at Christmas time and in the picture is a picture of a blue bike in the background?  The caption for that photo is “My first bike!  Huge Story about it!!!” 

Here’s the story.  We were very poor that year.  Some people donated gifts to us.   Some of them were new and some of them were used.  I could tell the bike was used because there was scratches and nicks in the paint.  The seat looked a little worn to.  But other than that it was in pretty good shape.  I loved that bike more than anything.  I had never had a bike and at 14 years old it was like a dream come true.  Of course since it was Idaho I wasn’t able to go ride it really that far because of the snow, and the temperature being so freaking windy and cold.   But I was able to get bundled up and ride it up and down the road in front of our house a couple of times. 

My first day back to school after Christmas break was huge for me (i had been in remission for 2 months now)  and feeling okay.  I remember sitting in some sort of trailer classroom and a couple of kids around me were asking me questions before class started.  Like how was I feeling, how was Christmas, etc.  I felt very excited to have people around me and giving me attention and I talked, joked, and answered questions.  One thing I said was “And I got a Bike!!!!”  Everyone was like cool!  One girl in the group who was a Rigby town girl that I didn’t know that well kind of looked at me weird.  She then said in front of everyone “I know its my old one” 

My hands are shaking as I write this because its so hard feeling that feeling again.  My eyes teared up and I almost started to cry.  I really hated her in that moment.  Everyone felt kinda bad and kind of drifted off back  to their seats.  I stared at my desk for the rest of class for sure that if I looked up everyone would be staring at me with pity.  Look there’s the little poor chemo girl who got rich girls old bike. 

On the way home I thought about how much I didn’t like that girl and how much I hated that bike.  But then when I got home and went and looked at that bike I couldn’t hate it.  I loved it.  It was a great bike.  I couldn’t help still feeling excited about it.  I was still hurt that she had said that… but I didn’t think it should keep me from being happy about having something I always wanted.  

Everything in life is going to be touched with something negative.  Your family, your job, your health, your marriage, your friends etc…

But if its something you hold near and dear to your heart you can’t let that negativity keep you from loving it as much as you want. 

You better believe that when summer came around and the sun came out making every day a perfect bike riding day that I was out there going up and down that stretch of road wearing my neon bike shorts and black sports training bra (i was trying to look cute ya know) like there was no tomorrow and I was the happiest girl in the world. 

 Don’t let old hurt, old pain, new hurt or new pain keep you from loving and being excited about everything you want in this life. 

because :)

“YOU CAN DO IT!” 

So I’m putting this in writing.  Because if you put something in writing it becomes LEGAL.  and I know what I’m talking about because I use to sell PrePaid Legal.  I sold two memberships.  one to myself and one to my mom.  so clearly i know my stuff. 

I think about my funeral alot.  A) because my funeral will be the closest I will come to having a holiday celebrated in my honor.   and B)  I want it to be somewhat cool and not boring. 

like of course I want tears.  but I don’t want it to be one of those ones where people are wearing sack cloth hoodies and shoving ashes into their eyes.  what I want is sad tears, laughy tears, and love tears.  but mostly laughy tears. 

a couple things that I would really like at my funeral

-  I would like to be laying on my side in the casket.  I think I look prettier on my side when I “sleep”. 

-  If you do lay me on my back please don’t put my hands crossed on my tummy.  I don’t want to look like I died of indigestion.  I think it would be perfect if I had them lying across my chest like a mummy.  Or maybe even my hands in a prayer pose so I look more holy. 

-Please have someone cool do my makeup.  like a MAC makeup artist.  I also would like someone to really enhance my eyelids because I think they are my best feature.  Well I think my eyes are… but they will be closed.  Soooo… it looks like we’ll have to make do with what we have. false eyelashes i think would really punch it up a notch.   (and a spray tan would be much appreciated)  (it says  ”I’m healthy… I take care of my body”)

-I would like my hair to be wavy and full across the pillow… Think  “pretty maiden fell asleep in garden meadow”  thats the mood i’m going for. 

-Casket   I honestly think I look really good in Navy.  with a hint of sparkle overlay.  For the interior i think white would be appropriate.  but no ivory.  i think the white would look more crisp against the navy.   

-I know this is a long shot but thought it would be fun to have sort of sword stationed in a rock in front of my casket.  Then as people came to view my body they could kneel and grasp the sword and swear vengeance for my death against my killer. and then make some sort of cross with their hand.  but they couldn’t make a cross since that would be faux paw so I guess they could make a heart in the air with their pointer finger.

-bagpipes

-a photo montage of my life with music

  closer to love - mat kearney

  everything I do i do it for you - bryan adams

  hands- jewel 

(actually I’m really Serious about the photo montage with said songs… they are some of my favorite heartsongs) (ps my favorite hymn is “for the beauty of the earth”)

- dress code for you mourners 

men- black suits and black skinny ties, black sunglasses

women- black dresses, black gloves, little black veils

I like black, its uber chic, slimming, and I’ve always wanted an op to rock the “black veil” look but have never had the kahonies to do it… so I’m passing the opportunity onto you girls.  you are welcome. 

At graveside I want roses thrown on my casket as its lowered into the ground.  and then maybe for dramatic purposes a clump of dirt…

at the luncheon I would like my favorite food to be served

- Swedish fish

- diet coke

-fettuccine Alfredo with chicken

-rolls

- whatchamacallits

-raspberry shakes

- warm blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream

- I would like a baby lamb on my headstone. because People always stop to look at baby lamb headstones. 

That should do it for now.  How about you?  do you have any plans you would like to see carried out.  speak now or forever hold your peace.