I have heard that doing a push up while in bed

makes you work harder because

the mattress isn’t a stable surface

So this morning when I woke up on my stomach

I thought

I’m already in almost push up form

might as well give it a go

and so I put my palms down

and pushed up

the mattress was very unstable

and it made it very hard

I didn’t even make it all the way up

so on the way down

I flopped into my pillow and went back

to sleep.

the end. 

Hello Life

would you mind taking a break (for a little bit)

maybe take it a little easy on me

(don’t you think I’ve earned it?)

well fine.

if thats how you are going to be

then I guess

stich by stich I will undo

this heart on my sleave

place it deep in my pocket

where no one will see

how i love

how i laugh

how i live

and maybe Life, you could stop saying things like

“carpe diem”

or

“an apple a day will keep the dr away”

or that

“tomorrow is another day”

because the truth is

when you say things like that

I don’t believe you

and for the first time I realize

I don’t want to

&

I don’t have to :)

(i wrote this a couple weeks back when I was having a bad day… today was a really amazing day and I enjoyed every minute of it… I was looking through my journal and saw this in there and had to smile at my dramatic self that sometimes feels like life is so unfair… thats how life rolls… anyway today was a good day and I’m happy that summer is here and in 3 weeks I GET TO GO HOME!!!!! AMEN HALLELUJAH!!!!!)

that when you are sick

and hurting

that all you can think about is all the sadness in your life

maybe because your whole body aches

 your heart has no choice

but to follow

and then you try to watch tv

and you flip to discovery channel and Planet Earth is on

and a polar bear is swimming in the cold artic ocean

and he will die because he can’t find ice to rest on

my heart needs to find some ice

when you stare at the sky

have you ever felt  alone

first its looks like navy

then a fading gray

finally the color cold

have you ever looked down at the earth

just wanting to absorb its warmth

and all you realize is that

all you are

is bits and pieces

of rocks, twigs, and dirt

have you ever wished for a life across the water

because you just didn’t know that each stroke

would just take you farther and farther

away from the love that is your home

when all you were trying to do

was find the place

where you didn’t feel so

alone. 

yesterday I was feeling very sad for a lot of reasons.  and I ate 5 krispy kreme donuts and that didn’t even help.  yes in a row.  but last night I had a dream (I dreamed a dreeeeeam…..)  that I was mountain biking in the grand canyon (I don’t know if thats even possible….)  but anyway so I got to the top of this ridge and looked down and felt so small, and scared, but it was very beautiful.  Then these words came into my mind (in my dream)  and they might be just the stupidest words ever… but in my dream I felt like I was maya angelou or something :) 

and thats why I have this blog so that I’m not the only one who has to endure the products of my imagination.  ha ha ha… sticking it to the man. 

another post script…

sometimes I write/feel things because of how i feel about other people’s situations… not because I feel this way (but at the same time don’t we all feel these feelings anyway at different times) 

I just want to clarify because I don’t want someone showing up on my doorstep with syringe full of Prozac ready to inject in my butt cheek. 

if you were a building

i’d throw rocks

& break out all your windows

if you were a photograph

i would tear you in half

if you were a love letter

i would scribble you out  

if you were the end of a movie

i’d thow popcorn

& spill my soda

so the floors were annoyingly sticky

then boo and hiss while the credits rolled

But since you are a man

there’s nothing I can do

to make

you feel my hurt. 

right off exit 302

there’s a historical marker

in my heart for you

but honey don’t slow down

all thats left is a ghost town

and I look out the window from time to time

as I drive by

to remind this little life of mine

to never give way my love so freely again

For a long time I thought the trick would be just to be myself.

Then after a long time I realized that the only thing you liked about myself is that I liked yourself. 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks