I have/am working on submitting a story for the Blog Book for NieNie.  So here’s a story from my archives for you to enjoy!!!

oh yeah you know its going to be a good one when the title of the post is
“poop song” yay!

so remember when I started that tradition where at any random time I’d post something embarrassing that happened to me.

well guess what Its that time again. everyone get ready….

You know with all this talk now I’ve GOT TO DELIVER!!! Crap Balls. The PRESSURE!!!

FREEEEEDOM!!!

I love to throw some Braveheart into Dramatic situations. :)

so ya’ll know I had cancer right? You know thinking about it I don’t play my cancer card enough… I should probably think of some ways I can get stuff from that. :)
Maybe I’ll write a book like Lance Armstrong or something. just a thought… seriously though… if I wrote a book would you buy it?
what if it came with a photo section???

So just so you know the upcoming words are going to be in this post… just in case you want to stop reading. If you do stop reading I will find out!… exactly in the same way how I found out who VOTED NO in my little “Will you go out with me” poll!!!

Bowel Movement
Poop
Constipation
Laxative
Enema
Hot Doctor
Shellie

But they are ALL used in a medical way. If you use any sort of bad word in a medical way you are cleared.

So one day I was at Primary Children’s for another round of Chemo. (by the way one of the reasons I would love to write a book for kids with cancer is because when I found out I was going to be given chemo I thought I would be strapped in a chair and a room would be filled with gas. Seriously. How TERRIFYING is that!!! so I would love to write something to show what to expect on a kid level)

So back to my story…

I was laying in bed. I was watching some movie. Probably Free Willy or something. and in walks my nurse.

“Shellie have you been able to go to the bathroom lately?”

“yeah”

“No Shellie have you been able to take a bowel movement?”

“Yeah” (uhhh no… how did she know!!!)

“I don’t think you have. Is your stomach hurting you?”

“nope I’m fine”

“…. Okay… well I’ll check up on you soon!’

She leaves and I turn up my volume on my bed right at the part where the whale jumps over the kid and that Micheal Jackson song comes on…
FREEEDOM!

Then like 10 minutes later she comes back in… with my Dr… and another dude who is a Doctor? And he’s hot…and young… and in scrubs. (if you ever want to improve your looks get into a pair of scrubs… its a universal truth they make you hotter)

So they are standing there all looking at me.
My Dr is like
“Shellie we think you are constipated from the chemo”

My eyes get really big and my mouth hangs open. Oh my gosh did he just say “constipated”? I feel my face get really red.

“Uh no I’m fine”

“Shellie its okay… it happens when you are on such strong medication. It throws systems out of sync sometimes”

“This is Dr. Hotty. He’s a resident here. He would like to check you out. Is that okay with you” Says my evil Dr.

Dr. Hotty smiles at me. Oh my gosh I’m in LOVE…

Oh geez I can tell this is some how going to end very bad. very very bad.

Dr. Hotty walks over to me.

“Hi Shellie, I’m Dr. Hotty, I’m wearing scrubs, Did I mention I am really good looking?” Flashes me amazing smile “Would it be okay if I touch your stomach and see whats going on?”

Oh my gosh this is not happening to me.

“uh okay”

Dr. Hotty rubs his hands together and blows on them to warm them up.

I am going to pass out.

I lift up my shirt and he starts massaging my stomach.

“Hmmm… yes…. just what we thought”

“You’ve got a lot of poop in there. You are constipated”

Please dear lord take me now. I want to die. Seriously! Take ME NOW!

I didn’t even know what to say. I think I blacked out or something.

Then he steps back and starts singing (HONEST! I am NOT EXAGGERATING ON THIS PART AT ALL)

“You’ve got some poop in there and you need to get it out. Poop poop poop! Poop Poop Poop.”

OH MY GOSH! I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT….. I HAVE DIED… I AM IN HELL!!!

I seriously didn’t know what to do… I looked for my nurse. Please help me… save me from this embarrassment!!!!

“Shellie how about we give you a laxative to drink and if nothing happens we’ll have to give you an enema.” says evil Nurse

“okay” anythingjust get Dr. Hotty out of here.

they leave.

Nurse comes back in with two bottles of laxative.

I chug them like I’m at a bar in some chugging contest.

“Shellie I’ll need to see your Bowel Movement”

“Just you or the Dr’s too?”

“Just me”

oh thank goodness!

So yes the laxative did work. it was the smallest squirrel poop you ever did see but I didn’t have to get an enema by Dr. Hotty

THE END

YOU GUYS!!! I made something HOME MADE!  it felt so darn good.  I even wore an apron!!!  I looked so darn cute.  It was my “Put Some South in Your Mouth” apron that I bought with my sister in law/bff/exroommate/cousin Lisa  when we went to Paula Deen’s restaurant “Lady and Sons” while we were vacaying in Savannah.  Remember that trip?  Where we almost got murdered Twice!!! 

Anyway I planned out my menu for the week.  I don’t know what’s come over me because I never EVER do this.  I am so EL SUCKO in the LA CATINA!  So last night we had Homemade Mac & Cheese with cornbread & green beans.  This morning we had French Toast.  Chad loves Alton Brown and we watched an episode on “Toast”  He had a great recipe and so we tried it this morning.  It was really good.  I even took pictures.  I made some strawberry syrup with fresh strawberries and then we lightly dusted it with powdered sugar.   

I know ya’ll are dying to know whats on my menu for the rest of the week. 

Sunday night- White Bean Chili (Lisa’s awesome recipe blog), Fruit Salsa, Cinnamon Wheat thins

Monday Night- Taco Salad, Virgin Margaritas, Cupcakes

Tuesday Night- Hawaiin Chicken, Rice, Vegtables, Fruit Salad

Wed Night- Lasagne, Broccoli, Bread Sticks, Jello Salad

Thursday Night- Honey Garlic Meatballs, Brown Rice, Edamame

Friday Night- Pizza night

Saturday- Chicken Crostada (PICKY PALETE!!!)  Green Salad, Peanut Butter cookies

Lunches will be leftovers or sandwiches.  breakfasts–>oatmeal, cereal, pancakes,

  Dude I seriously don’t know whats going on with me?  Carrie did you add my name to the temple roll?  All 123 of them?

I learned to ride a bike when I was 10 years old.  We lived in Garland Utah.  The girl that lived upstairs in our apartment complex had to get both of her legs broken and re put together or something because she was bow legged, and the lower half of her body was in a full cast.  It smelled like pee.

Anyway she had a bike.  She couldn’t ride it.  (Well I guess if we really wanted to we could have held her up on the bike and pushed her along.)

But anyway that is how I was given the opportunity to learn to ride a bike.  and it didn’t take to long.  although I had 6-8 months to learn to do so.   

Happy Birthday to my Little KayKay! 

Now on to my birth story (Aren’t you guys soooo lucky!!!)… It was 2 years ago today…  and I was pretty fed up with being pregnant.  I had been put on bed rest for 3 weeks to prevent preterm labor.  at 36 weeks they took me off and said it would be fine if she was born early.  but I went full term which sucked because after all that hype and all the free meals we got from the ward I wanted something Dramatic to happen so it didn’t look like we just made it up to get free food. 

Then the night before I was scheduled to be induced there was a storm which sent millions of women into labor naturally.  except me.  so the next morning when I called to see when I should come in they told me not to.  if any of you’ve been through this you know how frustrating it is.  So then after another week of being pregnant I got into the hospital to be induced.  I did a cartwheel.  two of them. 

I went all the way to a 9 before my epidural! and it wasn’t that bad.  probably because I didn’t eat a whopper, fries, and a strawberry milkshake on my way to the hospital this time.  Then I pushed 3x and there Kate was.  I didn’t feel an immediate bond with her.  I didn’t recognize her.  and that was very hard for me because when I saw Dallen for the first time he just felt like mine and it was like I’d always known his face and his eyes, all his features.  So when I saw Kate and didn’t feel that instant love and recognition I felt really crappy.  She just didn’t look like the baby I had imagined in my head.  I had imagined this dark fuzzy haired baby with hair that stuck straight up (aka Baby Shellie)  and she is as fair as can be.  

After we brought her home I called a billion modeling agencys to see if she could do some baby modeling because I thought she was so beautiful.  They all told me to send in a picture but don’t get my hopes up because there’s really not a market for newborn modeling in Salt Lake.  so the above picture is what I sent out.  I love it!  I miss Baby Kate!  She was a very good baby and very easy to take care of. 

This is one of my favorite pictures!!!

  Now she’s not so easy.  She colors on EVERYTHING! and throws Tantrums, and rolls around on the floor crying.  But that’s okay it just goes with being two I guess.   She loves when I sing Silent Night to her and now she sings along with me.  She loves Ariel “Little Mermaid” and everything else princessey.   She love “Dayen”  Dallen.  She loves to give him hugs when he gets off the bus.  and She loves her daddy.  She is definitely a daddy’s girl and always pats his back when she gives him hugs.  Happy Birthday Kate! We love you and glad you are in our lives! 

One morning (around 6 am) my roommate Laurie Porter and I were getting ready.  She for work and I for school.  It was still dark outside and no one else was up.  She left first.  As I heard her open the door to leave I heard a big thud and then Chad’s voice (who I was dating at the time) say “Shellie?  Shellie?”  I came out of the bathroom into the living room to find Chad standing outside the door and Laurie passed out on the floor. 

Chad had come over early to drop off my car keys so I could get to class.  Right as he was about to knock on the door Laurie opened it.  Laurie was so suprised to see him there that she fainted and hit the floor.   And I don’t mean knees buckle and gently swoon and fall to the floor.  I mean flat out fall straight over.  Like a plank of wood. 

It was scary, sad, and funny at the same time.

When I get scared I hit.  Well first I scream like a little pansy girl.  which is okay since I’m female.  and then I hit.  and I don’t mean prissy hit.  I mean full on punch.  one night chad came up behind me holding a frying pan above his head like he was going to hit me with it.  and I turned around made eye contact with him, then looked up and saw the frying pan, screamed, and punched him in the face.  true story. 

 what do you do when you get startled, scared?

Did any of you see Biggest Loser Familes last night? 

Did ya’ll just bawl your eyes out when Philip and Amy called home to talk to their sons?

“I love you Rhett”

“No, I love you Charlie Brown”

“I love you Charlie Brown”
Wahhhhh! Chad and I cried buckets.  Well I did.  Chad just shed a few manly tears. 

It was so sweet.

I’m working on a post.  But it will probably be boring. 

So on Saturday Keri, one of my bff4evah, and I went to a Ricochet concert out in Suwanee.  Keri told me to come over early and she’d do my hair and make up.  I love when people want to help me in this department.  because I usually end up looking muy bueno after they are done, and I don’t feel guilty that I’m wearing that much makeup, because I didn’t do it :) win win. 

and Keri let me wear her True Religion jeans.  and all I have to say is AMEN!  Seriously I understand why celebrities and Beeswax wear really cool expensive jeans.  THEY are AWESOME!  No kidding from the waist down I looked like Cameron Diaz. 

I have now found my new want in life.  These jeans.  They are only $341.  only :)

I’m going to do what Kelly did and see if I can find them on eBay. 

Anyway back to saturday night.  Keri’s brother is the manager for the country band Ricochet.  They are a really really good.  We got to meet them and even sat with them after the concert on the tour bus for a little jam session.  Which during the whole thing I just kept wishing two things.

#1.  That I could play guitar

#2.  That I could sing

Because then I’d say “Would you mind if I played your guitar for a second?” and they’d be like “Well sure little filly”  and I’d be like “Thanks”  and then I’d start playing the most amazing song that has ever been written and I’d start singing and everyone would start crying because not only are the words so beautiful but also my voice would just melt everyone’s hearts.  Maybe the next time I can make a birthday wish I’ll ask for those two things.  oh and the true religion jeans. 

 *UPDATE*

I found the TR jeans for $99 on ebay.  should I do it????

I’ve always wanted to be a tshirt designer growing up!  Now I’m making my dreams come true :)  

So first of all can I give a big shout out to Sue@ Navel Gazing.  Sue as you know (or for those of you who are living under a rock) is big time rock star in blogosphere.  She’s hilarious.  I laugh, long and hard, and smile so much reading her posts that my face hurts. 

So for Sue to say that I’m funny is kinda like having Comedy Central showing up on your door wanting you to do a 2 hr stand up routine. Then giving you million dollar pay check. 

I remember the first time I read Navel Gazing and I thought she was so cool and even wrote her an email saying…. just a sec let me go look it up…..

April 4, 2008

Hi I guess your name is sue!  I have to write you an email and tell you how awesome I think you are.  You really are.  Really.  Truly. Madly? Deeply?
 
No for real woman I am loving your blog. 
 
 
Sincerely,
 
Shellie Kendrick

Then after I sent it… I was like “Goosh! Did I really just say Truly Madly Deeply?????”  and then I wanted to stab myself.  and I did.  In my leg.  with a fork.

Okay I didn’t

But I did know a kid in 5th grade who was jumping up and down on a couch holding a two pronged hot dog fork, and stabbed himself in the eye.  which then gave one eye two sets of pupils.  and the other eye had just the one pupil.   It was freaky! (Idaho Friends… who was that kid?!!!!)

Well Sue, thanks for the Linky Love.  Linky love is the best kind of love in bloggy world.  It says not only do I think you are cool, I think you are so cool that I would like to tell everyone else about you.  Its very flattering and warms the heart, and spirit, but most importantly…  (Start violins playing)  it makes the person who’s been linked feel not so alone in the world. 

My Alternate Title was going to be “The Sue Effect”  because seriously I see bits and pieces of Navel Gazing at almost every blog I come across.  You’ll see it in the “Leave me a comment” section, variations of “Posts that don’t suck much”  and even in the actual writing of posts. 

Even in my house you can see “The Sue Effect”  in effect because I love to say “Sweet Mother of a Badger”  under my breath when my kids do something naughty or I stub my toe or I get caught jumping a garage door sensor 5 x by construction workers.

Anyway Sue I really think you are awesome.  Really.  Really! Truly, Madly, Deeply!

P.S.

Go Check out Millionaire Mommy for a good laugh.  Then go make your own dream board :)

P.S.S

something for the dude’s

Dear Shellie,

If you back the car out of the garage and then put it in park, and then go inside the garage and push the garage door button and run as fast as you can and try to jump the sensor, which you don’t and it stops the garage door and it goes back up, so you do it again, and again, and again, and again.  Make sure that there is not a group of construction workers parked right outside of your house, eating lunch and watching you.  Because when you do finally realize that you suck at jumping garage door sensors and just go out through the front door you will see all of them sitting in their truck laughing at you. 

Love,

Shellie