First I got weighed and measured.  Then we talked and answered questions.  Then they took blood.  Then I got my chest x rayed.  I stood up to the cold plate of the x ray and hunched my shoulders forward like they told me.  Then I stood sideways and grabbed onto the bar above my head.  each time taking big huge breaths and held it until I heard “okay you can breathe now” 

When we got back into the room I sat up on the examination table and tried to smooth the wrinkles of the paper out while my mom tried to read a Reader’s Digest.  There was a window above her head and the room was very sunny and warm. 

Dr. Blackburn came in and I don’t remember what he said.  It’s not like he just came out and said “You’ve got cancer”  The only thing I can remember is that while he was explaining I spun a little neon green friendship ring that was on my ring finger with my thumb.  I just couldn’t stop staring at it.  Around and round.  around and around.  And I remember smiling from ear to ear like I won the lottery. 

I just didn’t know.  I thought going to the hospital meant playing with play doh and ordering cookies and root beer floats from the cafeteria.  It sounded like club med.  or Sandals. 

When we got home my mom went into her bedroom and laid down.  Stephanie and I turned on the TV to watch General Hospital.  I could hear my mom crying and I opened up her door and knelt down by the side of her bed.  I remember that her hair was in her face and I brushed it back and tucked it behind her ear and she looked up at me and looked so sad.  She reached her arm around me and hugged my waist.  She started crying again.   I said “I’m sorry”  But inside I was still excited to go to club med. 

As Lisa, Jillo, Jeffy, Steve and I were walking in front of Bellagio making our way to Paris for dinner we ran into a Holy Roller and his Bullhorn.  This is what he said in a very calm and monotone voice.

“Hell is a very bad place”

“Jesus does not want you to go to Hell”

“Jesus is a Gentleman”

Kate has turned into a real girly girl.  She hates bugs. and by hate I mean she freaks out crying and screaming. 

the other day I was getting ready and right when I had just put my shoes on I hear Kate screaming and crying like she had just chopped off her finger.  I flew down the stairs to find her in the kitchen tears pumping out of her eyes and still crying at the top of her lungs.  “Kate what’s going on”  she points to the window in our kitchen “a spider! a SPIDER!”  I look over to the window where a little housefly was sitting on the window sill just shooting the breeze.  “Kate its a fly”  “No its a SPIDER”  then she starts crying again.  “Do you want me to kill it?”  ”Uh huh”  so I kicked at it (this is a low window might I add)  and it took a couple of times… that fly was a little slow but finally I was able to stomp it with my shoe.  I looked at Kate and gave her a thumbs up and in return she put her pointer finger up (she does that instead of her thumb)  problem solved.  and I looked like a total Bad A might I add. 

Last night at about 3 am I hear Kate crying in her room.  I try to ignore her for as long as possible until I hear “ladybug is trying to get me”  and then she really started crying.  So I went into her room. 

“Kate are you okay”  and in her cute little raspy baby voice says

“ladybug is trying to get me”

“where honey”

“it’s in the… garage”  she emphasises garage and draws it out like “guhhh raaaage”  even at 2 she’s so dramatic.  at saying the word garage she starts crying again hard core. 

“would you like some milk in a sippy cup”

sniffle sniffle “uh huh”

so I went down stairs and got her some milk.  I gave it to her and went back to bed.  all was quiet.  then I hear again…

“ladybug!!!”  followed by tears.

“Kate the ladybug isn’t down there”

“where is it?”

“I killed it”

“with your shoe?” 

“yes with my shoe”

“kick it?”

“yes I kicked it with my shoe”  I’m trying so hard to be serious and not to laugh. 

“go to sleep. the ladybug is dead.”  I tuck her back in and give her a kiss.  I didn’t even reach my room when I hear

“I’m scarrrrred”  from down the hall I say “Of what ?”  “The the ladyyyybuuuuugs”  more tears. 

“Kate there is no ladybugs I killed all of them.”  she just looks at me confused.  “I killed all the ladybugs in the house and the garage.  they are all gone”  she is just looking at me, her eyes all big.  but she has stopped crying. 

 ”Do you want a teddy bear?”  “uh huh”  So I hand her the nearest stuffed animal that was on the floor… a stuffed rabbit.  MORE tears and blubbering.  “Kate whats the matter” “It’s a bunny rabbit” more tears! 

“okay do you want to sleep in mommy and daddy’s room?”  “uh huh”    she then throws the rabbit on the floor and looks at me to make sure I saw that she had done that.  I just raised my eyebrows and she raised hers back.

“okay come on lets go”  I made her a little bed on my side and she went to sleep.  This morning I asked her about the ladybugs and she just said that she was “soooo scared” 

i can see why

I recommend Southland. NBC thursday nights.

it might be because I hearty heart Ben McKenzie

or maybe its the cop uniforms…

nope it’s ben mckenzie in a uniform

lock me up. 

just kidding. 

Heard this song on Delilah the other day and it took me back a couple years :) Holy Gosh I loved this song!

I have a goal of writing my cancer story out.  It was a very challenging yet rewarding (even at the time) part of my life.  As an adult and now having an adult voice I find it easier to express the way I felt about certain situations.  I really do feel that one reason that I faced the challenge of having cancer as a young teenager is that I can hopefully one day help parents who have children fighting cancer.  Children have a hard time expressing exactly what is going on about how they feel and what they need.

Although every cancer experience  is unique and different  a part of me feels that my experience was in such a way that I will be able to help others.   Cancer is a truly horrible disease.  One part of me wants to say it exactly how it all went down for me.  The other part of me doesn’t want to share a lot of the nitty gritty.    Such is life :)  It will always be a question in my mind when to edit and myself when to let myself go. but i just need to say  I feel blessed to be alive, I feel blessed to have a family and friends who love me, I feel blessed that no matter what happens to any of us there is never an end and we will always be.

I was 5′4″ at age 13 when I was diagnosed with cancer.  I had hit a growing spurt right before I was diagnosed so I was pretty tall for my age.  (I’m now 5′6″)  Before cancer I was probably 110lbs.  At my lowest point I was 71lbs.  I was very skinny.  I would get bruises by crossing my legs or by resting my head on my hands.    It’s not only throwing up and feeling nauseous from the chemo that makes you lose weight.  It’s also not having an appetite.

I remember one day, a late afternoon, my sister Stephanie making a hot dog for a snack.  I was loving the smell of it warming up in the microwave and I thought that maybe I should make one too.  It had been about a week since my last chemo hospital stay and I was feeling pretty good.  Stephanie got it out of the microwave and as she continued to prepare it my stomach flipped and the thought and smell of the hot dog now made me want to vomit.  I ran into our bathroom (the pink one ;)  and threw up.  Then I went and laid down in my bed and cried.  I hated that I couldn’t be normal like her.  That I couldn’t just eat a hot dog because I was hungry.  For the rest of the night nothing sounded good to me and the thought of food made me very queasy.

It was like that with a lot of food.  Not just when I was at home but especially at the hospital.  Every night I got a menu that I could fill out for the cafeteria.  I picked out the things that sounded good.  Cereal, oranges, speghetti, cookies, cakes…. normal food.  But then when the food deliveries came to the door I didn’t want them.  A part of the problem was because they came in covered plastic trays and the lids encased the whole tray and these lids absorbed all the smells of all the foods that had EVER been placed underneath them.  Normal people with normal noses couldn’t smell the gross smells that were emitted when the lids were removed.  Us cancer kids could.  in fact as you walked down the halls on the oncology floor many doors had a hand written sign on the front.

“Please leave food trays outside the door”

Because if they were brought into our rooms and the lids lifted off the smell would overwhelm you and make you throw up.  I also made a sign every time I checked in and assigned a room.  At meal time my nurse would knock on my door and remove the lid and tell me what was for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  If it still sounded good I would have them bring it in.  If it didn’t they would send it away.

One week while I was there I was on a very strong chemo that made me throw up non stop.  I couldn’t keep anything down… not that I was in the mood to eat much anyway.  One night I couldn’t even bear the thought of even looking at the menu to see what I wanted to eat for the next day.  I didn’t turn one back into the nurse and she forgot to collect it from me as well.   Even when I didn’t feel like anything I still had to turn one in.  The next morning I didn’t get any breakfast.  Which was fine by me :)  The AM nurse felt horrible and came in and asked me to fill out a lunch and dinner menu.  I don’t remember the choices for that day but I didn’t feel like any of them.  Then all of the sudden I got a craving for a happy meal.  A hamburger and fries happy meal sounded good to me.  I crossed out the lunch choices and wrote “A hamburger happy meal with a toy please”  I knew that was pretty impossible but it really was the only thing that sounded good.  It was comfort food.

The nurse took it and I spent the rest of the morning feeling somewhat okay.  Then the lunch worker came around our hall.  He was pushing a big rack of pink plastic lidded lunch trays.  He came to my door and placed it right outside.  My nurse picked it up and removed the lid.  On a white plate was a hamburger with some crinkle fries.  and also a light pink Beanie Baby bear.  a little note was underneath the bear that read “Enjoy your “happy meal with a toy”  It made me very happy.  I had the nurse bring it in and the hamburger and fries smelled wonderful.  The nurse went and got me a soda from the little kitchen nearby and I had a nice lunch and was able to keep it down.  It was a very good moment.

One day about a year ago when I thought of writing everything out that memory came to my mind and again it put a smile on my face.  Then as I continued thinking about it I just started crying.  It seemed very simple to me as a child but now I know that a lot more effort went into it.  Some kind cafeteria worker got that menu and stopped what they were making (hamburger and fries was not a choice for that day) to make me hamburger and fries and then to go to the gift shop and with their own money buy me a beanie baby.  I don’t know who that person is and there is no way to find out.  But I wish I could hug them and say thank you and how much it meant to me that I felt loved and taken care of.   It was a very Happy Meal :)

I have a testimony that every kind action or service we do unto others does make a difference.  I also have a testimony that these actions are more powerful and do more good than any sort of negative action will do in this world.  Sometimes it is hard to see that with all the bad stuff that is going on, but I really feel that in my heart that love and kindness conquers all :)

Shellie says touch your nose.  Touch you toes.  ah ha… I didn’t say Shellie says…

oh my gosh as you can already see this is going to be the BEST post ever!!!! evah! forever ever?  

Okay for real though…

Shellie says….. if you have ACNE and you’ve tried everything under the sun i.e. Proactive, Biore, Neutrogena, Ponds, you name you’ve tried it right….  I had the worst acne last year for some crazy reason and it wouldn’t go away.  I don’t mean like a pimple here and there…. I mean like it looked like I had acne 5 o’ clock shadow except it was actually 24 o’ clock shadow.  Then my friend Kristin (BLESS HER HEART!!!) told me about Dr. Bronners Magic Soap and seriously within one week my acne was cleared up!  Like all of it.  I do break out here and there like one or two spots.. but its even slowing down the more I use it.

It’s 5.99 for this huge bottle.  You use like 1/4 teaspoon.  that’s it.  you can use it for your body, your face, your hair.  Kristin uses it as an allover soap.  I use it for my face and body.  You can find it at REI and here in georgia at Kroger in the organic section.  If you live in the west you can check Smith’s and see if they have it.  (Smith’s and Kroger are siblings in grocery land)

…. if you have acne and want to look like you don’t use BARE MINERALS.  I seriously am in love with Bare Minerals.  The only people who knew I was struggling with acne so bad was Chad and a couple of lucky friends who would see me in the morning dropping off their kids or picking up Kate for preschool.  The best part about bare minerals is that it really does look natural and pretty and covers well.  Its a little expensive $65 for the starting kit, but it comes with all your brushes, foundation, warmth, and finishing powder.  Then after that since your foundation is the thing that runs out first you can get just the foundation for $25.  My tip is to go to Ulta and use their 20% off coupon for the kit and then print out a new coupon  to go anytime you need foundation.

….if you need new pantyhose try Victoria Secret Pantyhose.  I had a $10 off a $10 purchase coupon and I was going to get some lotion or something but then I saw the pantyhose display and I thought I need new ones and I should use the coupon for something I actually need because I have like a zillion lotions all half used. I’m so glad I did because THEY are awesome!  They totally sucked me in and felt silky smooth and not flimsy nylon… like good quality nylon… like i bet if my legs got crushed by a bulldozer they still wouldn’t have a run in them. 

… if you love high heeled shoes but don’t ever wear them because you can’t walk in high heels because you wobble around like a dork because they are too high and uncomfortable get STEVE MADDEN heels.  Chad got me a pair for my birthday.  They are seriously the best shoes I’ve ever owned in my life.  They look a little like this pair but are black and don’t have a ruffle.  the have a leather button instead.  okay so they look totally different.  but the heel is the same.  I have now learned to never buy heels with a skinny heel. and I need some sort of strap either mary jane, t strap, or ankle strap… because if they don’t have that support  I can’t walk in them. 

…. if you want a pair of jeans and want to still have self esteem even if you have put on some winter weight… go to Banana Republic.  They are miracle workers there and know that women not only want their jeans to look good but also want a smaller number.  I no joke can buy a pair of size 4 jeans at BR.  Yeah Seriously.  Real World size 8.  BR… size 4!!!   Their jeans are a little expensive.  Go to their clearance and you can probably find some.  A couple of months ago I bought a pair that were reg $120 for $29.  

and… of course ;)  if you are really need of a snack and you want to eat something yummy I recommend a couple of these…

with a

love,

Shellie

So every time I see a dang plastic Easter egg I am reminded that I am very lame.

Last year I got a note home from Dallen’s teacher it said something like:

Dear Parents

Send in 14 plastic Easter eggs filled with candy with your child’s name printed on the outside.

I thought no biggie.  I had like 2 weeks. so I kept putting it off… and off… until morning of the Easter egg hunt.  I had like 10 minutes to put together 14 filled eggs and then write Dallen’s name on all of them and then get the eggs and him on the bus.  I ran and grabbed some eggs that I had and then freaked when I realized I had no candy… oh well… they’re for Dallen (i mean they will have his name on them… he’ll be searching for the eggs with his name)  (cause it was a special needs class… of course the challenge will be to find the one with their own name)  So I grabbed a bag of raisins and a bag of chocolate chips and dumped a couple of raisins and a couple of chocolate chips in each egg.  wrote his name quickly on each egg and threw them in a plastic bag, tied it up and got him on the bus.  

So then after school Dallen comes home with a bag that was shaped like a bunny that he had made himself at school.  Inside I could tell that he had his eggs inside.  So Dallen rips open his bag… and pulls out a big huge purple egg. and In black magic marker read the name “Hunter”  all of the sudden it hit me… no.. no… please no!!!! “Hey Dallen can I see that”  I ripped the bag from him and peered inside…. 13 other eggs were stuffed inside… all different… some bright, some pastel, one was clear…. 13 different names… Isabella, Ricardo, Malayne, Connor….. I pulled a couple out and opened them…  Stickers, Mini Snickers, Erasers, PB eggs, Fruit chews, TATOOS!!!!  then at the bottom a little pastel blue egg… “DALLEN”  I opened it up… three little shriveled raisins and 2 chocolate chips came out looking pitiful and sad.   The only good thing was that Dallen had no clue how lame it was because all he knew was that he got 13 awesome Easter eggs filled with tons of goodies.  oh and maybe this was a coincidence but the next week I got an application for Free Lunch Program in dallen’s folder :[

Chadwick- I love you… I appreciate you working so much overtime this week. I MISS YOU!

The one thing in this world that should be outlawed.  Men wearing tank tops.   It’s sick and wrong any way you look at it.

This is the “White Trash Tank Top” 

Step One:  Cut off arm sleeves

Step Two:  Cut arm holes down the sides so that women can see your belly as you walk around.

Step Three: Jam your hands in the front and interlock fingers so the ladies can see your ever impressive manipples.  

This guy doesn’t look that bad.  My point being…  he doesn’t look that great.  my point being… cause he’s wearing a TANK TOP… oh and walking a little dog doesn’t help either.

European NO NO

Wife Beater no no

Faux Jessica no no

Edward Cullen in Mesh Wife Beater…  Hot or Not?

Edward might be the only one who could pull it off ;)  I’ll let you decide