Well its been 10 years since you’ve graduated High School. You are pretty much where you thought you’d be. Married with children. well… Minus Ed Bundy.

but here’s some things I think you should know.

1. Don’t go to the library every lunch hour your senior year to look at that Norman Rockwell book. I know you want desperately to look depressed and artsy and cool at the same time. But no one will notice that you are EVEN in there while all your friends are having a good time at the lunch table hanging out.

2. Remember when you invited that guy (Andrew Munroe) over to watch a movie (while your parents are gone) your sophmore year and you thought it would be hilarious to answer the door in your mom’s lingerie? Don’t do it. It will only freak the H out of him.

3. Remember when you were in love with that stoner kid who always had the blond hair in his eyes and he always came into Eastgate Drug to buy penny candy and then one day you came into work and someone had busted the drive through window and stole stuff and the cops came and you told the pharmacist that you thought it was the stoner kid because you had a “gut feeling.” Then you added maybe it wasn’t just a “gut feeling” but probably the “spirit” telling you who broke in. well It wasn’t the spirit… you are just being dumb.  If it was the spirit it would have told you it was a 40 year old drug addict that will be eventually caught. 

4. Remember when you got on that Trampoline on Senior Night and Jeff Schow and some other guys get on.   so you lay in the middle and shout “Break the egg!!!!” ?   uh they are going to jump really hard until you fly into the air and bounce off the trampoline and hit your head on the ground. and they will laugh really hard and you will lose some mega cool points.

5. You will go on a date with a really nice guy (his first) Please SHELLIE DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING 

a) (at Perkins) pour salt on your arm and then put an ice cube on the salt to burn yourself

b)  then do it to his arm.

c) reenact that herbal essence commercial on the way home. 

 i know you saw some older cooler girl doing it.  i know you think it will look as cool.  but it won’t!!! TRUST ME ON THIS!  and the silence that will fill that long car ride home will be as close to the walk of shame as you’ll ever come. 

6. Remember when S.C.M touched your B over your shirt and you freak out and cry and go to the bishop that night. Good job! A bit on the dramatic side but it will keep you on the straight and narrow.  Also remember that time when you were making out with him in his room and you swear you see an eye in the doorway looking at you guys.  Heads up.  It’s his step mom. 

7.  Soooo remember that time when you borrowed that hair piece from Brandy Maughan and you always put it on right before you went into seminary because you wanted to look HOT with LONG CURLY HAIR so that Ray Ball would fall in LOVE with you.  He won’t.  and you’ll see a picture of yourself a couple of years later with that hair on and realize you looked like a poodle. 

8.  You and Sharla will put on some dresses that you find in her mom’s closet and have the bright idea to go dance in the moon light with sparklers.  You guys will have fun doing that…. just don’t go to Smith’s at midnight for a candy run while wearing the dresses.  You’ll run into Logan Hall and Nate Meikle.   The hottest guys at Hillcrest. 

9.  Sharla and you will go house sit for her boss and their dogs will poo and pee all over their cream carpet and after you clean it up there will be huge stains everywhere and You guys freak out and use bleach and it turns the carpet  bright orange and you freak out again and try to re stain  it with dirt/soy sauce/ and other items from their fridge… just clean up after the dogs the first time.  Don’t use the bleach.  Its not your fault their dogs throw temper tantrums  by peeing and pooping everywhere. 

10.  Remember when you joined track because you wanted your ex to fall back in love with you but then you ran around the track once and got shin splints so you quit that day.  well guess what babe!  Now you love running!!! and you are good at it.  and you would have been good at it then too.  don’t give up because you are afraid of failing!!!  because although you tell yourself you want to join track to get his attention… really its because you’ve always wanted to be more athletic and sporty. SO JUST DO IT!

Shell- I know you have braces, and fugly hair, and you’re a little chubby, and say weird things sometimes and you beat yourself up over and over and over for all the things you did and didn’t do.  But guess what -    You were also really funny, and smart, and you got AMAZING grades, and you had lots of friends and a great family.  the one thing I want you to know is that the future you will have is because of the person you are right now.  And you will love your future.  and You’ll  even come to love your past.  

love- your older self. 

this song is like lethal

Youre My Woman - Van Morrison

now go make out with someone special.

just spent like an hour searching for photos on flickr that somewhat match the images of my story in my mind. 

right off exit 302

there’s a historical marker

in my heart for you

but honey don’t slow down

all thats left is a ghost town

and I look out the window from time to time

as I drive by

to remind this little life of mine

to never give way my love so freely again

a perfect song to inspire my writing this morning. 

thanks Nicole!

So I’m putting this in writing.  Because if you put something in writing it becomes LEGAL.  and I know what I’m talking about because I use to sell PrePaid Legal.  I sold two memberships.  one to myself and one to my mom.  so clearly i know my stuff. 

I think about my funeral alot.  A) because my funeral will be the closest I will come to having a holiday celebrated in my honor.   and B)  I want it to be somewhat cool and not boring. 

like of course I want tears.  but I don’t want it to be one of those ones where people are wearing sack cloth hoodies and shoving ashes into their eyes.  what I want is sad tears, laughy tears, and love tears.  but mostly laughy tears. 

a couple things that I would really like at my funeral

-  I would like to be laying on my side in the casket.  I think I look prettier on my side when I “sleep”. 

-  If you do lay me on my back please don’t put my hands crossed on my tummy.  I don’t want to look like I died of indigestion.  I think it would be perfect if I had them lying across my chest like a mummy.  Or maybe even my hands in a prayer pose so I look more holy. 

-Please have someone cool do my makeup.  like a MAC makeup artist.  I also would like someone to really enhance my eyelids because I think they are my best feature.  Well I think my eyes are… but they will be closed.  Soooo… it looks like we’ll have to make do with what we have. false eyelashes i think would really punch it up a notch.   (and a spray tan would be much appreciated)  (it says  ”I’m healthy… I take care of my body”)

-I would like my hair to be wavy and full across the pillow… Think  “pretty maiden fell asleep in garden meadow”  thats the mood i’m going for. 

-Casket   I honestly think I look really good in Navy.  with a hint of sparkle overlay.  For the interior i think white would be appropriate.  but no ivory.  i think the white would look more crisp against the navy.   

-I know this is a long shot but thought it would be fun to have sort of sword stationed in a rock in front of my casket.  Then as people came to view my body they could kneel and grasp the sword and swear vengeance for my death against my killer. and then make some sort of cross with their hand.  but they couldn’t make a cross since that would be faux paw so I guess they could make a heart in the air with their pointer finger.

-bagpipes

-a photo montage of my life with music

  closer to love - mat kearney

  everything I do i do it for you - bryan adams

  hands- jewel 

(actually I’m really Serious about the photo montage with said songs… they are some of my favorite heartsongs) (ps my favorite hymn is “for the beauty of the earth”)

- dress code for you mourners 

men- black suits and black skinny ties, black sunglasses

women- black dresses, black gloves, little black veils

I like black, its uber chic, slimming, and I’ve always wanted an op to rock the “black veil” look but have never had the kahonies to do it… so I’m passing the opportunity onto you girls.  you are welcome. 

At graveside I want roses thrown on my casket as its lowered into the ground.  and then maybe for dramatic purposes a clump of dirt…

at the luncheon I would like my favorite food to be served

- Swedish fish

- diet coke

-fettuccine Alfredo with chicken

-rolls

- whatchamacallits

-raspberry shakes

- warm blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream

- I would like a baby lamb on my headstone. because People always stop to look at baby lamb headstones. 

That should do it for now.  How about you?  do you have any plans you would like to see carried out.  speak now or forever hold your peace. 

Leave Me from Daros Films on Vimeo.

you know why so many embarrassing things happen to me.  because I’m a spaz.  and I’ll do anything to make someone happy.  so today I took two of my twins and Kate on a walk.  the two year old twins did not want to stay in the wagon.  As I was pulling I could hear them crying and fussing and trying to crawl over the edge.  So I say

“Stop!” 

and then sing

“Collaborate and listen.  Ice is back with a brand new addition.  Something grabs a hold of me tightly… duh duh duh…. will it ever stop yo I don’t know…. I’ll put my hands up and I’ll glow.” 

and then the girls are looking at me but still crying.  So I bust a move.  and not like a shake my money maker move. 

i do a huge windmill with my arms and legs like a tap dancer and follow it up with jazz hands

the girls stopped crying.  if this was a scene from “Look who’s Talking”  they would have said “Holy Shiz! did you just see what i just saw”  and the other one would have just nodded slowly. 

so I picked up the wagon handle and turned to continue on I noticed two  guys between these two houses  checking on some meters.  They weren’t laughing or anything just kinda watching it all go down.   I felt really dumb so I said “hey”  and waved.  and they smiled and said “hey”   they were sooo thinking “Dude white girls can’t sing or dance” 

i know. 

i know.

please for the love of all things sane and holy don’t ever let me audition for SYTYCD or Idol. 

same song… but his cover blew me away